It’s Christmas time

When I hit bottom last July and my wife kicked me out of our home, it was such a horrific feeling.  And one of the things I thought about then was what would Christmas time be like.  I feared this season, yet here I am today, back in my home, sleeping with my wife and planning Christmas dinner at our daughter’s house.  I think this might be the most magical Christmas ever for me.

Speaking of that horrific feeling, I mention that in my prayers now and then.  There was a sinking feeling, anxiety and I’m not sure what else exactly.  Each day at my office, as I’ve said before, I’d walk down this long hallway to a glass door where I could look over and almost see our house.  I would then get this uncomfortable tingly feeling in the middle of my chest.  Then I would gasp for a quick breath.  That’s the feeling I never want to forget, not because it was good, like sex or love or happiness…. not at all.  But because I don’t want to forget how close I came to losing it all.

I still walk down that hallway every day and I can still sort of feel that feeling.  That is the feeling I will call back up should I ever be tempted to act out sexually again.  It will be the single best reminder of why NOT to do something stupid and selfish.  

So Christmas is four days away and I’m as giddy as I ever was.  I love Christmas and it would be a very very different feeling I’d be having right now, if I was still living in that rented apartment with some roommate named Ray.  Very different indeed.  

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