Okay, I’m crazy. I can admit that. So maybe when other people read this they can tell me if I’m overthinking everything. So let me start from the beginning. I met him in the eighth grade at church. We became close friends and talked for a year before we became anything more. We were so young and innocent then. It’s been 7 years… I’m still young, but not so innocent. I knew I had feelings for him after only a few months of talking. We got so close and talked everyday without failing. It wasn’t until we went to our first homecoming dance together that he really realized he had feelings for me too. He had said he was so scared of me hurting him that he never let his feelings for me come out… and he was right. I would hurt him.
Back tracking a bit, I waited for him to reciprocate his feelings for me for a long time. I even helped him with his girl problems in the mean time. Some girls would have given up, but I knew somehow that one day he would feel the same way about me. So we became more than friends after a year of getting close. We really did love each other as much as 15 year olds could. It was so long ago but the emotions still come back to me even now. When he turned 16 we finally made it “official.” He was so sweet to me. During that time, he struggled with self esteem and was bullied a lot. I said everything I could to make him see himself the way I saw him but I know now only he could change the way he felt. Every girl I knew, even my best friends told me I was way too good for him. They would say, “You’re so pretty. Why are you with him?” I would always be very defensive and insulted at statements like that. He was the kindest person I knew. And maybe I was a little infatuated with our relationship at the time, but I knew deep down that I liked him for him. What others thought didn’t matter to me. But as Sophomore year of high school came rolling around, what people thought became harder to ignore. My group of friends got meaner and more inconsistent and my mental health declined quickly. After a while of dealing with depression and the a million “are you okays?”, I ended things. He cried for months I was told… what goes around comes around I guess because later I cried for months over him too.
I still hung around him though, after I ended things. It was really hard and I became bitter and selfish during my depression. I was so guilty over hurting him that I became mad at myself and took it out on him. I apologized years later but I still wish I had a time machine. Once I got to my junior year of high school, I left that school. The bullying, shunning, and girl jealousy finally pushed me to the brink and I had to leave. I thought about him when I left though. I thought about how we had grown apart. I reached out to him and thought maybe we could hang out, but my best friend convinced me my feelings were just me being anxious over changing schools and meant nothing. So I moved on. It was my senior year when he found someone else. At first it was fine. I didn’t really care. But when I thought about him kissing someone else I shuttered. I could only ever imagine him kissing me. That’s when I knew that I still had feelings for him. And oh how it hurt. I tried to hang out with him again but he said he was taken. It was too late. I cried on my best friend’s kitchen floor that day for hours. My heart that had been on hold for so long because of bitterness and depression was finally feeling something, brokenness. I took out my sorrow in writing music and poems. I tried one more time to tell him how I felt before I moved on. His relationship with that girl was practically nonexistent but still his undying loyalty to her (or anyone he cares for) was still there. I had damaged him to a point that only God himself could repair. It was a hard seven months.
I was in a lot of pain. There was a time when my grandmother was looking at a photograph of us together, when we were dating. She looked at that picture and said,”They are going to break each other’s hearts.” My mom was so mad when she said that but she was right. Whether she spoke that into existence or not, it was true. After the possibility of us ever getting back together in my mind was over and my heart was still broken, I made so many dumb decisions. I gave guys the time a day I had no business even talking to. My first kiss at 18 was wasted, I began drinking in college, and finally I ended up putting myself in danger to the point where I was raped. Insecurity is a dangerous thing when mixed with a broken heart. When my world came crashing down I, for some reason, wanted my best friend to let him know what had happened to me. His mother knew before him (our parents are close) and wrote out verses for me to keep on my wall for encouragement. His family was one of the things I missed the most about our relationship. Even after I ended things I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was talking to my future in-laws. But like I said, I’m crazy. So in the pain and recovery from the trauma, I forgot about him. I moved on to new unhealthy relationships. But even my new boyfriend had a suspicion that my feelings for him were still there buried inside. When the summer time came we didn’t talk at all. I ran into him a few times and we reconnected on snap chat and instagram, but that was about it. So the years went rolling by and he is now in a relationship with another odd girl. We all know the relationship will one day end, but he is still so fiercely loyal that who knows when that will be. She adores him, as she should. My best friend remains close to him, despite my feelings. I traded my voice of disapproval about their friendship for peace between us. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago my suppressed feeling for him have climbed back up. All because I had a dream.
Through out my life, I have often had very vivid, emotional, and sometimes prophetic dreams. When I realized my feelings for him my senior year of high school I had three identical dreams in a row. In the dream I had feelings for him but we could never talk. After a while we reconnected and then he would go away for awhile. Eventually he would always come back to me and everything would be okay. When I told him about these dreams he said he had dreamt of me too. But instead of us coming together again, I ran off with someone hot and famous… That’s pretty telling don’t you think? It’s been two years exactly since then. And the dreams of him have stopped up until the other night. In the dream we were back together. We went to the movies and even though I knew I had to win him over again because of the past pain I had caused, we were so effortlessly perfect together. All of the feelings I had suppressed for so long suddenly came back when I woke up. It’s terrible when all of your hard work to deny your feelings for someone gets destroyed. The strange thing is, I haven’t had a real conversation with him in years. So why/how on earth could there still be feelings? Maybe I am truly crazy then. I know he probably thinks I am. I would never put myself out there with him again. But there is some part of me that just can’t/ won’t allow myself to let this go. Why? Why is there still something there? I have dated and been interested in other guys, but none of them have ever made me feel anything like the way I felt about him.
So here I am, 7 years after meeting, 4 years since dating, and two years since I told him I loved him, still feeling this way about him. And as much as I would love to not give a damn about him, I can’t. There is still some part of a fire in my heart that I can’t smother. His mother would much prefer him to date me over his girlfriend now, but it’s not up to her unfortunately. I think I would like the world a lot better if she ran it (lol). Where do I go from here I guess is the question? The only direction I see is to live in silence of my feelings and just keep moving forward with my life. Who knows what God is doing really. He has such a huge sense of humor when it comes to me. I have work I need to do on myself. I know that. So I need to focus on fixing myself before I enter a relationship again anyway. His heart is so much more pure than mine is now. Plus I’ve gained weight so I need to fix that (lol). Our parents are going on a mission trip together in a couple of weeks to Israel. It’s funny how our family’s paths continue to cross so often. I don’t think we will ever be free of each other. As for now, it’s hard. But maybe one day it will be a good thing. Only God knows.