My entire life has been a question mark. Am I good enough? Is what I do “enough”? Is my career good enough for my parents approval? Is my house nice enough? Is it enough that I rent a home on my own while saving to buy a house and I don’t need roommates? Is it ever enough?
I’m 30 years old and this will be the first time I’m having Christmas dinner in my home. My sisters family usually hosts because she is Suzy Homemaker and I’m only mediocre. My home is my pride and joy. A little under furnished but it’s usually just me and the dog so I don’t mind… But now I’m faced with “is it enough”? Is my home pretty enough? Does it smell good enough? Do I have enough seats? Is the food I cook good enough? My heart feels sad that I am so worried… I KNOW I am a good cook. I KNOW my home is beautiful. I KNOW that I will do my best to be the best host possible. I KNOW that my home is enough, for me. But is it good enough for them? Time will tell.
My Mom is so kind and encouraging, she urged me to say yes, to have Christmas here because despite my overwhelmingly bad anxiety, she knows that in my heart all I want is to have a holiday at my home before I lose everything… She promises to come help me get the house ready for company and will help me do the cooking because of my limitations. She promises it will be great. Others ask “Are you having Christmas at your house?” I respond that I think so and their only response is “okay.” And isn’t it “we”? Are “we” having Christmas at my house? It just feels like I am inconveniencing people by not letting them have it at their house when we have every holiday there. We have for years. They always get to host and I am just asking for one holiday. Which, as I write this, it sounds insane to me… You’d think I live in a tiny shack and we’re going to have burnt pizza for dinner or something. That’s the picture I have in my head. When the truth is, my house is huge! I have two living rooms! I am a great cook, just ask my Mom! Or anyone I’ve cooked for, really. We are going to have AMAZING food. It feels so irrational that I am so worried because I know better! I know it will be fine! But still, I am in panic mode. I just hope when the time comes and I am freaking out that my family is compassionate and not judgmental. After all, I’ve already been told “if it’s going to stress you out too much, don’t do it!” Gee, thanks.
I’m just… tired. I am tired of wondering if I am enough for other people. If what I do is enough… I hope someday, I just know, without a doubt, without any question mark. I hope someday “I am enough” ends with a period and is not up for debate. I hope I believe it wholeheartedly.