We used to never talk. I would tell him I was lonely and wanted to say goodnight. He would come over once Holly was out of the dorm room. We would have sex, and he would go back to drinking with his friends on the 6th floor. I feel like that became a norm. Not once did I feel like we really connected when talking. If anything we made up for it by connecting with our bodies. On my end, I was encouraged because I felt that there was potential for a good relationship, but more than anything I was desperately lonely and he was a sweet boy that I could cuddle with. If you get down to it, my motivation was cuddling.
While exploring my sexuality, I have always noticed how other women will touch me. I can tell if they are interested in me or if they are merely wanting a friendship. But for me, it’s been a blurred line. I will be attracted, have slightly warmer feelings towards one women than another, and want to act on it. “Acting on it” usually includes excessive touching, wonderfully deep conversations and, of course, cuddling. But on the occasion when it goes beyond that (Emma, Cara-lee, Haven, Laura-Jo, Kurdi) I have this weird dissonance, and the attraction melts and I am ashamed and repulsed. Also, being with a women-only makes me want a man more. Emma – I was fending off overwhelming feelings for Severyn. Cara-lee – I was crushing hard on Ari. Haven, Laura-Jo and Kurdi – I only wanted attention from Taylor.
We only have a couple fights. And they were about how we didn’t work well together– that and how I was not the best girlfriend and kissed Laura Jo and Kurdi. All I wanted to do the entire time I was with Taylor was be a good girlfriend. To Be There for him. To be someone that he could use for support. I wanted a deep relationship. I don’t think we ever got there. By the end of the year we were both confiding in our separate friends much more than each other. We were probably using each other for something. And despite a very painful acute stab when we separated, we both moved on into summer with separate thoughts and agendas.
The first week of summer 2017 I was entirely alone. I was sick, my parents were gone on vacation and I had to stay home to watch the ducks and Chester. It was miserable. I stayed in bed, went to 2 job interviews, started work, and mourned the fact that I went to bed each night entirely alone. In retrospect, however, I was mourning every boy I had ever dated — but especially Taylor. After that, I was done with the pain. I set my sights on every guy I saw, and was determined to have some sort of summer fling.
And it happened. Except, the fling I was expecting was a relationship. A relationship where I fell in love. A relationship that changed me, opened my eyes, expanded my reality and taught me about myself. I could say that I Tanner was one of the best things that happened to me. The sex and the conversation were great. We worked together, bonded over the environmental podcaster, Ayana Young, watched whales from the point of cape falcon, surfed beautiful summer waves, did yoga to the sun, and made swim-rise a ritual after sleeping together in a tent. We were perfect.
Or So I Thought.
We spent the first months of fall quarter writing adorable letters to each other. Back and forth, we would share ideas, what we were excited about and what was going on in our lives. Then, he told me he was going to visit.
And All Hell Broke Loose.
It was the week my roommate, Maya, decided college wasn’t for her and she was going to drop out and move away. It was the week that I had a mountain of homework to do and tests to prep for. It was the week that we had new potential roommates parading into our house to be interviewed. It was the week I had a huge crush on someone else, and they decided to come over TWICE. It was hell week. And he was there.
All of the things that I loved about him, the way that we would breathe and meditate and do yoga every day, INFURIATED me. The way he would interject with his own opinion. And the way he obviously was struggling with the fact that he was a 1-year no-sex commitment. He pretended that if he were to ask, I would jump at the chance to have sex with him.
Now Tanner has moved back to his hometown, far away from wherever I will be, and my frustration with him is just beginning to ebb away.
Now, back to the real question. I have fallen out of love with Tanner, and I am suddenly back in this loop of obsession with Taylor. Since dating, we have talked more, been there when we needed each other, and had a few slips into the flirting territory (Sometimes more than flirting).
- 1 weeks into fall quarter 2017: I go over to his house to watch surf’s -up, there-there is no big deal. We don’t sit next to each other. I leave before having dinner with them. My insides were yearning for him.
- 3 weeks into fall quarter 2017: I ask him to go on a night walk to the watchtower with me. We talk, reminisce, watch the city lights, and kiss. This eventually leads to laying together on the floor of the watchtower. We go home alone.
- 4 or 5 weeks into fall quarter 2017: Drinking happened. Party Hopping happened. Texting and snapchatting happened. Sex and staying over in his bed happened. I told myself I was done messing around with Taylor.
- Finals week fall quarter 2017: My feels have been building.I am lonely and I miss him. He gets drunk one night, and I walk him home to his house. I tell blackout drunk Taylor that I miss him and I kiss the top of his head. He kisses my cheek. He invites me to stay the night, but his roommates were home, he was very drunk and I knew I should go home.
- The next morning after finals are over fall quarter 2017: He apologizes and asks if anything happened the night before. Nothing did. Only feelings happened. We have started talking again, and light flirting has transpired.
Now, we are one week into winter break, and I want to tell him exactly how much I miss him. And this online journal is the only thing that I can vent to. I am afraid to tell my friends because I have gone back and forth with Taylor so many times in the past.
Taylor and I seem to have a knack for second chances, but this feels like a crossroads.
Until Next time.