22 december

so yeah, things are changing. the inevitable change that once ceased to exist has become impossible to escape. there are many things i have learned, never this harsh though. this guy, let’s call him $, was my very best friend. we kissed and things became weird. it’s sad how things work like that, you know? apparently, after talking it through with $, we had both used each other to mask our feelings for other people. isn’t it devastating how even the closest, best of friends can unknowingly hurt each other like that? i wish things could change. but what i’d realized was i didn’t need him to be me. all these years, i believed he was the one i needed to complete myself, even though i never thought of him as more than a friend until recently. i hate that i made almost half this journal about him, so i’m gonna change subject. anyways, i found someone who genuinely makes me happy. it’s like there’s this spark in his eyes that i see so clearly whenever i talk to him, i don’t know if it’s him feeling the same or my eyes reflecting back. usually, i can’t look people in the eyes when i talk to them because of an insecurity problem that i have. but with him, it’s like i can’t look away. also, besides $, everything seems at peace. through it all, even after the madness and chaos of a long day, i can always come home to watch the freeway cars pass by and see the ocean waves crash far away, and in those moments of twinkling stars above my roof, i can truly realize how small my problems are compared to the scale of the universe. so yeah, things are changing. but does it have to be bad?

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