Journey to the center of the…

I think I was on the verge of some kind of breakdown today. Some kind of existential, desperately searching for my purpose kind of crisis.

I’m at work at my overnight dog day care attendant gig and I was prepping tomorrow’s breakfast for all the dogs that are boarding and I had just wrapped up about 2 hours of researching alternative career paths after googling “well paying jobs with associate’s degree.” I felt this overwhelming sadness in the middle of prep and started to cry while standing over stainless steal bowls of dog food.

I might be approaching some kind of rock bottom.

I told Davoslan about my dark thoughts and how I feel stuck. He didn’t really have much to offer in the way of advice except for the usual “everyone goes through struggles, don’t give up blah blah blah generic advice.” I did appreciate him caring enough to ask what was the matter but I’m sure he got busy with his girl and that’s why he flaked on keeping me company over the phone while I prepped breakfast for the dogs tonight.

I mean talking to him also brings around this strange sense of guilt.

I’m dating this really amazing guy. Or at least that’s what I convince myself I’m doing every time I start to date a new guy. But he’s different. He’s got his shit together. He has his own apartment, a stable career (he’s a teacher), he’s a gentleman, seems stable financially and is really kind and fun to be around. Well he went home up north for the holidays. I dropped him off at the airport and we just hugged goodbye… not even a kiss. I’m trying really hard to not let the lack of physical-ness in our relationship get to me.

We’ve been talking since early August and he asked me to be exclusive on the 28th of October and we haven’t… been intimate. Maybe I’m just used to the pace of Bolivian guys and how it’s sex first- relationship later. And maybe that’s why I have self esteem issues. Sex has been so easy in the past that I put a lot of weight and value on that in regard to the meaningfulness of a relationship.

My guilt here regarding Davoslan stems from my insecurity. I feel like Apluk is way too good for me. I’m in my late 20’s, closer to 30 than I am to 25. I’m a nanny to a family who may not need me in the near future (or will significantly cut back my hours) because the kids are growing up, I work a part time job overnight to help pay the bills, my credit score is shit, I’m in debt, haven’t finished school (for a bachelor’s), completely wasted this last year in school and don’t even know if I’m sure about my current career path. I thought I was pretty certain about wanting to be a High School English teacher, but now I’m not sure.

Shouldn’t I feel more motivated about something if it’s really going to be my thing, my career from here on? But maybe passion isn’t the key in my case. Maybe I need to look at things from a different perspective and stop thinking about “is this my calling” and instead think “will this job/career help my achieve my life dreams” like being financially stable, providing for all my dogs, supporting my future partner and children.

My fear lies in telling Apluk that I am this insecure, indecisive, unmotivated, dark minded little woman. On our first date I remember telling him what I was studying and he seemed so interested and since that time he has asked me about 2 or 3 times when it is that I’m slated to get my bachelor’s degree. So I know it’s on his mind and maybe he wants a successful, accomplished lady by his side and not someone who is as lost now as she was when she was 16.

But I always know that Davoslan is there for me. Granted- his intentions are 98% inappropriate and impure, but he has listened to my troubles on more than one occasion and has never once judged me for my actions. He may or may not be coming to the area for the holidays and has invited me to meet up with him several times already. It twists my heart because I don’t know if I can trust myself around him. He knows me so well that I feel like the mere sight of him will make me burst into tears. 

While I do recall lying in bed with Apluk after a fun night out on the town and telling him how I’ve been cheated on more times than I can bare to count– and he promised that he would never do that to me… well… I just don’t think I have much faith left in men to blindly put my trust in this one. He probably deserves it more than any other guy I’ve let into my life but my threshold for heartache is too taut to test any further.

Davoslan would never do anything I didn’t want to do and Apulk doesn’t deserve infidelity.

I have a self destructive streak and my dark place has been surfacing more and more over the past few weeks. I found myself entertaining disappearing in the busy streets of B-more this new year at midnight and getting lost in the city… lost to myself and the world.

I just wish I knew more. It’s such a sad thought to feel this alone even though you know there are people out there that love you and would miss you.

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