Reality of the Holidays

I should be happy right? I have my own place, an amazing boyfriend, some great friends, and I did it on my own, somewhat. Then why is it I feel like I am empty? I think back to Christmas in the past, and how much I took it all for granted. I thought it would always be there.. now its all gone. My childhood home is gone, the man who bought it doesn’t understand the memories involved with that house. It wasn’t just walls and a roof. It was where I sais my first words, my first steps, my birthdays, holidays with family that made everything perfect. I was 10 years old when my world changed horribly, I didn’t realize the last time I would feel complete was in 1993. Yeah, I am 33 now, and I haven’t felt stable, no matter how medicated I am, I feel like my whole past is gone.. I took graduation pictures, I made homemade wallpaper in my bedroom. The new owner is gutting it and selling it to the highest payer.. our family memories left behind, and we cant look back and go there.. Then in the middle of the shit hitting the fan, my dad gets cancer, bone and colon… I honestly feel like I killed some royal family in a past life, because none of my family can just breathe a sigh of relief and think for a little bit everything will be ok. Theres always something bad happening. Whether its losing our house, my dad nearly dying, my mom going blind or my animals dying.. 2017 sucked.. and I am helpless in the fact of doing anything. I can do nothing but text and call my family and hear their struggles, and then I feel bad when I feel something is wrong. I wanna go back to Mansfield and see my past before some yuppie couple go in there and not understand that this house is 100 years old and for 54 years or more we made memories in there, to them its just a house, to me its the place that gave me a sense of security and a feeling like the ones I lost in the past, like their souls live in that house and knew everything that was going on. Then I wonder why no one in Heaven helped us out, what did my family do so bad that no one would be there for us? It was literally us 4 against the world.. then I followed a guy who I thought I loved, to Texas and left my house for the last time. My birthday was the last time I sat in that house, looked in my room, looked at the pcitures on the wall, and saw my animals, and just like that it was gone..

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