Tis the eve of Christmas eve. I got my children today and gave them their presents. We hung out at my parents. A blessed time together as usual. I have no doubt that my children are content with their gifts. Nothing makes me smile more than to be giving. I have never been one to enjoy receiving. I just want to give, give & give. I won’t lie…. it’s not the same as being together as a family and waking up with them on Christmas morning. When I begin to think about what my beautiful bride is doing without us it really hits me like a load of bricks. There is a song about it.
‘Cause what she’s doin’ now is tearin’ me apart
Fillin’ up my mind and emptyin’ my heart
I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows
And I wonder if she knows…what she’s doin’ now
It really does fill my mind. It consumes me to say the least. I do not think that it is unnatural for me to ache over someone that I love even though she despises my existence. They say that the heart wants want the heart wants. Even though I tell myself that I am being foolish I decide to still do what I think is right. Even if she is with another guy right now I still have hope. Maybe she will see that all of us humans are flawed. Some even keep secrets(I don’t). I have always been an honest person. Sometimes it is a handicap. I have always been honest with her and always spilled out my feelings. She doesn’t want me to know who or what she is doing. I’ll still be here with my heart in a basket ready to give to her. It might not be attractive because of the scrapes and bruises but I believe that it still has something to offer. I have been told by anyone who meets me that I have an enormously huge heart. Once again… handicap. If I would of had a rough and tough heart I would have never allowed myself to get hurt. I got to see her today and this time I didn’t take my eyes off of her. I know that she can’t stand the sight of me but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Of course I wonder if she thinks about past holidays together. Opening presents as a family etc. Last year we wrapped some presents in fake boxes. It was hilarious. Me and her used to laugh a lot. Well, until she started to loathe being around me then she said that I wasn’t funny anymore. I know that I have been embarrassing in the past but I think about other relationships. Some girls don’t care what others think if their man. They say “that’s my man”. I always felt that way about her. I would be upset if I seen anyone mistreat her or blow her off. She was concerned about image. I get it. I pray that she is still concerned with her image. I have heard things etc but I always believe the best about her. Sometimes I believe the worst and tell myself “That is not the Jenn that I know”. However, my Love for her does not have boundaries. I have made bad choices myself. The only way that I could ever give up on her is if an angel awoke me in the middle of the night and told me to do so. My legacy will not include “divorce” in it until I have exhausted all efforts. I owe it to my children and I owe it to her to be the husband of her dreams. She may have already replaced me but that could be temporary. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces if I must.