I Guess I Didn’t Beat It…

This entire year, I’ve been praised by others and myself for being a changed person. I was happier, more positive, I had my shit together as much as any 21-year-old could, and I really felt genuinely happy for the first time in my life. Bad things still happened, but I was able to acknowledge that all of those things were just a part of life. I had complete power and control to choose how I perceived each situation. Sure, I had over $1,000 in credit card debt (which was a lot for me as a minimum-wage, part-time employee), but I also knew that I could pay it off, it was just going to take some time. It was happening, but it wasn’t taking total control over my life. I was paying it off and that’s what mattered.

The point is, I thought I had it all figured out. I thought my key to happiness was now in the palm of y hand, and I had found it just because I wanted to have a more positive outlook. But I was wrong. For two days now, I have been tugging at my hair, hitting walls, screaming, crying, and completely exhausting myself because my depression has finally made it’s return. I’m more angry than sad this time, every single thing pisses me off. Now, somehow I have to deal with all the things that make me frustrated every other day, and somehow not flip out. The only solution I’ve found? Crying. At work, my least favorite coworker called me a bitch today because I didn’t get her food when I went on a break (even though I genuinely thought I would not be picking up any food when I went out). I didn’t hear the end of it for about 30 minutes. Every time I came around the corner, even when I tried to ignore her, there was some comment waiting for me about how I had “food” (even though it was just a drink) and she didn’t because I lied to her. It got to the point where I felt the anger bubble up into my throat as I was talking to her. I held it back and quickly made a break to the bathroom where I allowed myself about 5 minutes to cry, then I wiped my tears and went back to work. That wasn’t the only time that happened during the same shift, but I’m not here to talk about that.

I’ve realized that there is a constant war going on in my brain between desperately wanting to be alone to avoid all the situations that may make me angry, and desperately needing to be in someone else’s presence so I could focus on something other than my anger and sadness. During this time alone I am so wrapped up in those feelings and wanting to make them go away, but the only way I know how to make them go away is to hurt myself, something I haven’t done in years. I’m proud of that.

Now this is skipping all over the place, but this is how it is going through my brain right now, so bear with me. I made this account, on this website, with this as y first entry, for a reason. Throughout this whole thing, I’ve felt like I can’t talk about how I’m feeling at all because I will only receive ridicule from those around me. People try to offer me advice and that’s great and all, but I really just want someone to listen and acknowledge my feelings. I just need someone to hug me while I cry as I explain what I feel, and for them to tell me “wow Taylor, that seems really tough, I’m so sorry you feel this way.” I want them to be interested in my pain and ask me questions, just act like they care. I feel like as soon as these negative feelings come out, I’m an alien to everyone else, and they avoid talking about it because it’s uncomfortable for them. They don’t want to talk about it, that’s why they offer solutions. If I go out and try something they suggest, I won’t have as much time to bother them with my problems. At this point, I don’t understand why there is no permanent solution to depression. Put a needle in my brain, hammer a nail into my eye, I don’t care. Anything to make this pain stop coming back to me.

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