Weight this morning: 48.9kg

Gosh it’s Christmas Eve…and I’ve been doing washing alllll day…I put washing in last night! And three more times today, so far…! Dad’s clothes, all our bath towels, my parents bed covers and sheets and pillow cases and shit. Also collected up all the rubbish from all the bins in the house to put outside since our cleaners will be off for two weeks for the Christmas holidays. Plus I did a big sweep of the floor today as there are pine needles everywhere from the Christmas tree. This weekend has been one of the ones were Harry’s father has him for six hours both days so I’ve had time to get things done. Harry also sees his dad from 3pm-7pm tomorrow for Christmas Day so I get the late afternoon to chill a bit!

Well, this is basically what life has been like since I last wrote, just getting things done and doing all that’s needed. My mum and I went to Asdas yesterday to get all the Christmas food. I’m not sure if dad will have dinner with us this year but it’ll be good for him if he does. Actually he’s been even worse than he usually is the last days, he’s been in bed literally most of the day I’m not even exaggerating. He’s looked really poorly too. My mum has noticed and has been talking about him a lot with me. She usually puts across that she is extremely annoyed at him at how he’s become more recently but I think there is worry in there even despite all the ‘he’s just extremely lazy’ accusations. My dad has been mentally ill for longer in my life now than I’ve known him as mentally well. He had his breakdown when I was 12 but he had problems brewing that I noticed since I was 10 or 11 and I’m 29 now. I’ve known him 12 years been ok at most but the other 17 years he’s been ill. You always have to have hope but it doesn’t look good for him. I asked him days ago if he was read for Christmas and he said he always is as he has faith. Maybe that is what keeps him going, despite how awfully dire his heath has become…Christmas is obviously a religious holiday and I am glad dad remembers and knows he has faith and to be honest I am sure that is what gets him through. I’m glad.

Things with my mum have been up and down again. She seems to be in a state of constant annoyance. The final diagnosis for her is that the heavy chemotherapy she had to cure her cancer really knocked her nervous system which has given her lymphodema and now problems with the oesophagus, it no longer functions how it should and so the acidity in her stomach is poorly controlled and is usually in her throat. That’s why she is always so grumpy now. I guess I can’t blame her. I still find it difficult to cope with her behaviour though…I know I have never been through what she has but I have conditions both physical and mental that I have to face every second of every day and I don’t act like she does…my dad suffers both physically and mentally every day but as mum says the physical is self inflicted (I don’t entirely agree, my dad’s medications make him put on loads of weight and give him dry mouth) she has no sympathy. Urgh, still dad doesn’t act like she does either. My mum upset me so much two nights ago that I stole two of her zopiclone tablets and took two that night…the maximum dose of zopiclone is just the one tablet. I shouldn’t have done that but urgh my emotions are so strong, I get so upset…I literally do anything to calm it down…sleeping tablets and anything that makes you drowsy is usually what I target.

Harry has been perfectly fine, he’s really been enjoying himself this Christmas and I hope he enjoys Christmas Day tomorrow. Today the last chocolate he had from his advent calendar was a big tree and he was so happy. He’ll probably be upset now though and wonder why he no longer has a chocolate every morning heh. Tonight after Harry goes to bed I will put all the presents downstairs, some I’ll try to put in some Christmas stockings. I am looking forward to tomorrow but at the same time I feel another sense of great apprehension…when I let myself enjoy myself it usually backfires like hell. But I know whatever happens I’ll get through it! Tomorrow will be all for Harry 🙂 Happy Birthday Jesus and Merry Christmas Harry…as long as Harry enjoys himself it doesn’t matter if I don’t. It’ll be ok. I will not fight with my mother, I promise you that! Also Merry Christmas to my friend Jodi, I have been thinking about you a lot in the run up to Christmas. Dance with the angels on Christmas Day Jodi, I love and miss you.

Merry Christmas all GoodnightJournalers xxx

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