Shameless on Christmas eve……

This is where it is tough. I am hurting REAL bad tonight. I had a great day with my kids and family. My kids LOVED my sisters cooking. They are spoiled. LOL Their mom and my mom are also good cooks. Anyhow, as soon as I dropped them off to their beautiful momma I had that sinking feeling. I can’t explain it with words. However…. it is so emotional that I can physically feel it. While I calm down…. let me pause and just say this(song):

Well I’m shameless when it comes to loving you
I’ll do anything you want me to
I’ll do anything at all

And I’m standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby that’s what’s left of me
Don’t have very far to fall

You know now I’m not a man who’s ever been
Insecure about the world I’ve been livin’ in
I don’t break easy I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied

I’m shameless, oh honey I don’t have a prayer
Every time I see you standin’ there
I go down upon my knees

And I’m changin’ swore I’d never compromise
Oh but you convinced me otherwise
I’ll do anything you please

You see in all my life I’ve never found
What I couldn’t resist what I couldn’t turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can’t walk away from you

I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I’ve made myself a world and it’s worked so perfectly
But it’s your world now I can’t refuse
I’ve never had so much to lose
Oh I’m shameless

You know it should be easy for a man who’s strong
To say he’s sorry or admit when he’s wrong
I’ve never lost anything I’ve ever missed
But I’ve never been in love like this

It’s out of my hands
I’m shameless, I don’t have the power now
I don’t want it anyhow
So I got to let it go

Oh I’m shameless, shameless as a man can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted to you to know

***** ok ok…… did Garth help you understand???? Anyways, I defer from typing every detailed thought that I have. Who would be foolish enough to do that?!?!?! Over the last couple of years I told my wife every detailed thought, feeling, emotion, honesty…. everything. Now I feel like a fool!!!!!!!! She didn’t appreciate an ounce of it. She hides things and would be secretive. I would have to pry things out of her then she would get get frustrated. That doesn’t make sense…. I cared about her. I wanted to take a magic carpet ride on her thoughts and emotions. I wanted to explore the caverns of her soul. She wouldn’t allow it. I’m not sure why she is dishonest with me and my children. She wants to badger me over some things that I have done…. however lets compare apples to oranges. At least I was always honest with her and the kids. Even if it was hard. She never had an ounce of respect for my honesty. She would prefer fake liars(I have proof). I would never expose these things because I want to protect her. For instance, one of her church friends who sent me a pornographic video. Once again…….. I had some drunken escapades but I would never in a million years send a naughty video. But, what she doesn’t know…. won’t hurt her right???? Ding ding ding. You are correct. As long as she can push off all of her fears, anger, grievances, disappointments etc onto me. I just don’t get it. Someone could be morally deficit to me however she would pick them first for every kickball game. Do people go through a midlife crisis and they lose all function of reality?? I think that I did a little bit. But dang……. I still think that I have a lot to offer. She thinks that the “Hansen” name is superior to mine…. whew, I could write a book about that. Before I even touch on it… let me remind you that I don’t have anything against them. I have the attitude of my father(let people do what people do). The only people that I bother my emotions with lately is my family. So, with that being said…. Her “Dad” has always been a pathological liar(which at one point she would have agreed with). He also used to tell me that I had a “problem” with “drinking”. This fool smokes with lung cancer!!!!! I am floored that she would choose that over me. Her mom…… I can’t even begin to touch on the immaturity there. This takes me back to the other day when my daughter was telling me about drama on the bus. Immaturity…… blocking me on FB and then unblocking…. then blocking etc….. This lady is supposed to be a lighted tower, refuge, guidance counselor etc for my wife when she is confused and in turmoil. I don’t rant often….. but dang…. want to throw me under the bus for everything…. the man who would bleed for you……. and then pull the rug right out from under him. Essentially trade him for much worse. People tell me not to try and even understand…. that women often try to fill voids with junk. I have done it…. but I was judged. How dare I do it……….

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