I’ve had a really good day and actually got some gifts from family…Harry loved his presents and played until he went with his dad at 3pm and even when he came back at 7pm he seemed to be way too tired to play up. Will’s family couldn’t get Harry to eat anything but I fed him some things when he got back here, gave him a bath and he settled down into my bed cuddling into me. It didn’t take him long to fall asleep at all. So on return from his dads, his behaviour was nowhere near as bad as I dreaded it would be. I didn’t argue with my mum today either, she really liked the present I got her. Even dad ate Christmas Dinner with us and genuinely enjoyed getting a few gifts from myself, my mum and my aunt. He seemed a little happier today than normal and that’s saying an awful lot. I was glad to have some hours to myself when Harry went to see his dad, I had been with Harry all morning and until 3pm today! I’m really tired. I even got to see my aunt and grandmother in Mexico through Skype and I had a nice chat with them- that always makes me happy.

Today was great, it was a blessing and we celebrate Christmas every year because Jesus was sent to earth to be born to save us from our sins and I know I have more than enough sins. Today is a nice day…but why is it every single fucking year I feel so low on this day?? I do look forward to Christmas Day and I understand the meaning behind it…I get involved and do things for family but…I feel considerably much much worse than I usually do anyway. Why is Christmas Day so damn hard for me.

I honestly feel like complete and utter shit and I feel so low. Almost suicidal but I wouldn’t do anything. My mind just seems to be…going berserk inside my head and nobody else can see that, it’s me that feels it yet still doesn’t show it. And I feel extremely lost and hopeless. I’m feeling the huge holes in my life that my very long hospital admissions have left in my young life. I’m not where I’m supposed to be, I’m no where near where I am capable of being. Just going insane inside myself from all the loneliness of life. Loneliness completely fills the huge holes that being an inpatient for so long has created too early in my life. I can’t seem to stop dwelling on this…I know I shouldn’t dwell on it too but it still doesn’t put a stop to it. I’m feeling really really awful but there’s nothing and no one to help. I don’t know what to do.

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