Untitled

I just poured my heart out really well in this journal and lost the entire entry and I nearly broke down in tears. Have just swallowed four sleeping pills. I have had the most horrendous day…but everything’s fine really it is, it’s just me, I’ve taken a complete nose dive because I feel so alone and I literally have no one to turn to. I honestly have no friends…I was sectioned in hospitals for years at a time and any friends I’d make would move on and are no longer in contact. Being in and out of mental health hospitals has created such isolation. Cuz whenever I got better and would go back out to the real world I’d eventually break and fail and go back as an inpatient.

Back in August 2013 I wasn’t released because I was better, it was because the county boundaries decided to shift themselves…again. Instead I was back out in the world but spent most of my time getting stitches in the A&E of the Heath in Cardiff. I was again isolated and I wasn’t well enough to do much. All I managed to achieve was my drivers licence. But I was still isolated…I wasn’t well enough to go back to collage as I was in A&E so often. Then after that horrific incident of trying to jump off of a bridge that goes over a 70mph dual carriageway and I got cautioned by police, I find only a week or two later that I was actually pregnant. Being a mum in itself is isolating too…I have gone from one isolating situation to another and now I’m desperate for help with a young child and there’s absolutely no one I can turn to.

Everyone has tough things to deal with in life but it seems everyone around me at least has someone to turn to, no matter how awful their situation, they still have at least one person to help them through it. I feel like the only one who truly has no one. I can’t possibly turn to my parents…I have never been that close to my mum and since her battle with cancer I feel the distance increased by a thousand times. I have been used to the situation with my dad being so ill ever since his breakdown when I was 12 and even though I’m still closer to him than I am to my mum, his condition only ever gets worse and I wouldn’t dream of burdening him with this stuff. He can barely cope with himself now. He’s becoming so…fragile now. My other family either live in England or over 5,000 miles away in Mexico. My mum when she’s angry talks about how lonely she is here and how isolating our situation is but she actually has friends. She spends the day out with them at times, months ago she was three days in York with a friend. She can go out and get a breather with her friends if she really wants to.

Urgh I feel so so horrible and depressed and pointless. Since being taken to court by Harry’s father I feel like now it’s a bad thing for me to be a mother. Harry’s behaviour is so awful when he comes back from spending the day with his father and yet Will goes on about how well behaved Harry is when he’s with him and his family. Here (after spending the day with his father) Harry’s behaviour gets so bad that my mum leaves and won’t be near him. I feel like my value as being a mother is fading away. I’m starting to think it doesn’t matter. I’m just as pointless as I have always been. I knew I was pointless and nothing but trouble in others lives since I was 12…even with my son I know it’s true. I really don’t know what to do. I’m falling…hard. I steal from my parents prescriptions every night just to feel a sense of ‘peace’ because I can’t stand feeling like myself anymore.

Harry is fine, I promise, I am doing everything he needs and looking after everything but I go through the motions a bit like a robot. I am not at all happy and I feel like breaking down and crying and I feel so bad I feel like I just won’t be able to take it anymore, it’s such a frightening  feeling. And everythings fine really it is…I am lucky in life but have had many problems since a very young age and I have been in extremely isolating situations most of the time and so I have no job and no friends but I have son but both my parents are ill and the father of my son took me to court and now there’s this court order…it all could have been much worse but I am feeling extremely depressed about my situation I don’t see any light up ahead at all, not even for an oncoming train.

2 thoughts on “Untitled”

  1. This entry is heartbreaking, please don’t feel that you are worthless as a mother, you are the centre of Harry’s world and nobody can take that away. His behaviour is probably bad when he comes home cos he knows that he can act like that and still have your love, my daughter is like that, good as gold for others but can really act up with me, but I think it’s cos they feel secure and safe with their mums enough to play up and know that it doesn’t matter, we will love them anyway. I hope that makes u feel better. I think this time of year is hard as lots of Mum/baby groups are off for the holidays. Please know that you are valued and loved very much by your son and you will be doing a fabulous job, the people who worry always are! Xx

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