hi. not sure what im doing anymore

But let’s start with the basics about Me. 

Annie Wolfe is not my name (but i am a woman) and I most likely wont be using real names mostly because I’m a touch paranoid. Everything else will be true as unlikely as it will seem in some entries that will follow.

At the current moment I am 29 years old, living in the south of Boston area in Massachusetts, with my current boyfriend of almost 4 years (we shall call him Frank). We (actually I’m told alot the time that its actually just I) own two dogs and two cats, both dogs are boys tho one is just a 15 wk puppy and the other is a 9 year old medium sized dog. 1 Female cat and 1 boy kitty.

I have a part time under the table job. I want on the books and more hours at the place i work but Ill get back to this point I’m sure.

There are several siblings to choose from 32-15 years old my mom had 6 of us. 3 girls were to start with waiting a little more than a decade after her third child she started a new 3 pc set. Which makes me sound bitter… i guess i am a little bit but over time i think you might understand why and start to question me on why I don’t walk away.

I was the baby of the first set an outcast from the beginning my older sisters had each other and didnt attempt to include me in anything. And when they did it was just to have me play maid or cook for them and i was promptly dismissed after i was done with whatever they wanted. When i was young i idolized my oldest sister (we shall call her alicia) she is three years older and i just wanted to be her. I shared a room with the middle sister (we shall call her amber) she was just one and a half years older than me. And she wasnt a fan of her baby sister at all. 

Do you notice the pattern? My mother (my older sisters have the same dad and i have my own. They had little to do with us let alone our names) did it on purpose all of us having the same first initial… i didnt like it as a kid and i dont like it as an adult.

I dont share very well, not with my stuff, not with my inner feelings, and not from my inner thoughts. Hence the need for fake names. My trust is minimal, which makes me kinda sad but trusting people hasn’t always worked out for me. Funnily enough I am in therapy and I dont think my therapist is aware of my trusting problem or maybe he is but i doubt he knows the extent. I don’t think its very healthy that i dont 100 percent trust anyone i just cant figure out how to do it anymore. I’m just not sure.

 I currently have no children. (I started this journal to be extremely open and honest with someone even if its just a white page) I so desperately want children and have been trying to do so for the last 10 years. Not one confirmed pregnancy. Never seen a plus sign or double lines that many women dread finding.

I have whats known as PCOS or polycystic ovary syndrome, A hormonal disorder causing enlarged ovaries with small cysts on the outer edges, some cysts will mature and pop instead of ovulating this is quite painful….Yea its as pleasant as it reads. Let me tell you a little bit more about it to understand my wonderful (sarcastic) life, Weight problems one week im loosing 10 lbs next week im up 20 its a lovely balance of never ending elastic infused pants. My cycle is as predictable as the weather in New England, its anywhere from 30 to 45 days and ovulation dates yea not with PCOS. My actual cycle from 4 to 7 days long, can ranges from barely noticeable to literally barfing and shitting all day from the intense cramping. (see wonderful).

Oh cures? No there isn’t one. Treatments you wonder? Well Birth control is the best treatment for the cysts. Treatment for the hormones that are literally stressing the littlest of things… again refer back to birth control.

I’ve taken the fertility medication that is supposed to override the cysts. I have gone that route on 5 or 6 different occasions. Again and again no baby. The doctors don’t seem to care, they tell me they don’t know why they cant seem to understand why i haven’t had children since i lost my virginity. There have been so many tests so so so many tears.

I have to go to a fertility clinic next, Get inseminated like a cow (anyone ever see dirty jobs?) with my boyfriends medically washed and specifically picked out sperm. I’m absolutely terrified.  Mostly I’m terrified it won’t work. Or more specifically at the moment im terrified we wont have the money.

 

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