not tough?

So today I was told I wasn’t “tough.” Although it might seem like nothing big you some of you, it was one of the worst things I’ve ever been told… heres why

Growing up in a European family, the girls were looked at as cleaner, taking care of things, etc, and the boys were looked at gold. Now this might not go for all European families, but it did for mine. Side note- I was never treated bad, and my parents were great.. Anyways, growing up my brother always did what my parents told him, was allowed to do whatever he wanted and also did amazing in school. Me? Well, I kind of wanted to have a lot of friends because I was young, and what little girl doesn’t? I was overweight, barely ever allowed to do things with friends, and wasn’t really my parents’ favorite. Especially not my moms. My dad on the other hand, my brother may have been the golden child, but my dad and I were pretty close. When I was in middle school, I started to act like something I wasn’t and my parents didn’t approve.  That phase didn’t last toooo long. Freshman year of high school, was kind of weird. It was December 2008, when my dad answered the phone from his doctor and was told he had stage 3/4 of breast cancer. Breast cancer in men? Yeah its a real things. Anyways, I remember thinking I knew it. Earlier that year he started getting symptoms and I looked them up and breast cancer kept coming up. It fit all his symptoms. He saw 2 doctors for his lump and they said it wasn’t anything to worry about. The 3rd doctor told him the bad news. The years went on and my dad and I got a lot closer. My brother never wanted to be around my dad, because idk I guess he couldn’t deal with it? Or be around someone sick? IDK. My dad let me skip school sometimes to go with him to doctor appointments, and hang out with him for his chemo. It was honestly a great/sad time. My dad took naps during chemo’s because a lot of them were reaaaaally long. I sat across from him or next to him playing games on my phone and iPad. Sometimes i would get him food, or we would get food after. When I learned how to drive, things were cool. I would take him back and forth to places, and we would spend time together just laughing and talking about life. It killed me, when I started seeing him not to be able to go to the bathroom by himself or walk around. He couldn’t get to his room upstairs either. He spent a lot of time on the couch sleeping and watching tv. There were a lot of nights where he couldn’t sleep so he would call me downstair to watch movies with him. You ever watch someone in the corner of your eye and sometimes turn to see if they’re breathing? IT FUCKING SUCKS. Thinking about my dad not being alive killed me, but I had to face reality and realize it might happen. Some days were worse than others. I remember one night, his nose wouldn’t stop bleeding, and his blood pressure was so high. It was so icy outside because it was winter, but he had to go to the hospital. He drove himself there, and my mom went with him (she didn’t know how to drive, and I didn’t have my license at this time) When they got to the hospital they told him if he didn’t come in he would’ve had a heart attack. SO thank GOD he went in that night. 

January 19, 2018, will be 4 years my dad has been gone. I know losing a parent isn’t the worst thing that is possible, and I’m so blessed to have my mother still alive. But that doesn’t mean that i’m not tough. I had to take care of my dad at an age I feel like I should’ve been enjoying. Ya know, feeling like a kid? I didn’t get that. Which is fine. I don’t regret doing anything I did. It taught me sooo fucking much, and I became so much closer to my dad. 

The only thing that bothers me, is that so many people don’t know everything, and those of you that are reading this, still don’t know. So am i tough? YEAH, FUCK YEAH I AM. If I wasn’t I wouldn’t be here writing this. I wouldn’t be working my ass off in everything I do in life if I wasn’t. So if you get told shit like me, remember, no one knows what you’ve been through or how you felt, but you. How you got out of things has made you the strong person you are today. Keep proving everyone wrong, and fuck those stupid opinions from people. 

2 thoughts on “not tough?”

  1. I am so sorry to hear about your dad. The fact that you are still standing after all that proves you are tough, I cannot imagine losing my father it must be unimaginable heartbreaking. I’m glad you have some nice memories of your dad x

  2. Thank you both, for the nice comments. It truly means a lot.

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