124. Peace amongst the chaos

4:45 am.

After arriving home a little over an hour ago, it didn’t take long for me to realize it’s been a while since my mother has been home. So I begin my usual routine to tend to the 6 animals living in this house with me. More of her things are packed, which doesn’t surprise me, as she now openly talks about her apartment she’s getting. 

I’m beyond ashamed of who my mother has become. The things she’s par taking in, who she’s associating with and where. It really sadden me to say this, however it’s the truth, the path she is on, only leads to the grave. 

 

I wish my nana would just let her go, enjoy the last few years she has. She knows she’s very sick, for Christ sake, she’s never really spoken of her cancer, nor has anyone else, she won’t allow it. I can see it, in her face, in her eyes, I can hear it in her voice, she knows, we all know…she doesn’t have many years left. My stomach turns at the thought…..

……what sickens me the most….her last child, my mother, could care less. She’s literally robbing the life of her, mentally, physically and financially. 

 

I’m disgusted to be her…..off spring. 

My mother is more then aware of the things she’s doing….lies, drinking, drugs, stealing…and she just continues on as if we have no knowledge of it….or is completely ignoring the fact we do. 

Living here I’m wrapped in the middle of it. I’m greatful for nights of silence like tonight. The dogs chew on their cow hooves, the dryer tumbles fresh laundry, muttering from Netflix  (I have no idea what I put on), and I sip a cold beer writing snugged in this leopord print comforter. Perfect. 

 

Goodnight.  

One thought on “124. Peace amongst the chaos”

  1. All you can do is pray for your mother if you believe in that, but also remember people with addiction hate themselves more than you could ever know. She may be aware of what she is doing but may not know how to stop or isn’t In the place yet where she is willing to… you can’t force them to stop but loving them anyway is the best you can do because the more unloved they feel the worse they dig deeper into the abyss… ive been there

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