A Closing of Thoughts

 Salaam.  Peace be upon you.

I have joined NANO.  I have participated in a few forums and am a bit pensive about trying to complete a novel of 50,000 words in one month when I am just getting back into writing and it usually takes me several months to complete a novel.  I am hoping that this diary, as well as a personal diary starting January 1st 2018 will help me with getting back into writing.   I like writing poetry which is mostly free verse, short stories and books.  I guess I could say I have been writing since at least 9-years-old though I never took it really seriously until I turned 12-years-old.  In high school, tenth grade to be precise, I was featured in a news article of my local paper for a poem I had written  back in 2003 I believe it was.  I won the Editor’s Choice Award from the International Library of Poetry for another poem in 11th grade at eighteen and wrote my first real book at 9-years-old, publishing my first book of poetry at 19-years-old and my first novel at 21-years-old so I am very proud of my writing capabilities.  It’s just…marketing them and getting the money to publish what I have written.  I am not well known and that, I think disqualifies me from most traditional publishing agencies and agents which is a disappointment as I have always wanted to be a writer for a living.

My PS4 has more or less died.   I cannot find the 800 MB update on Sony website so am unable to start my PS4, much less play my PS4 games on it. I decided yesterday that I would not be purchasing the less than 8GB 32-FAT flash drive which would be used to update the software version on my PS4 in order to play the game my grandmother got me which is Assassin’s Creed Origins for Christmas and she got upset with me.  I will be so glad when I Insha Allah (means “God Willing” in Arabic) get my own apartment hopefully sometime this year.  I think I just need to move out, get my own place and be done with everyone in my family who doesn’t approve of my life, my religion, my choice of career.  I want a career where I can help people.  I’m not smart enough to be a nurse or a Pediatrician.  I don’t have the upper body strength to become a Veterinarian or a Vet Assistant, heck I’ve never really had any upper body strength due to being born 24-weeks premature.   Even if I did want to be a Vet Assistant there are no community colleges that offer that as a degree path where I live.  No, I would like to Insha Allah become a teacher; teaching Early Childhood Education and English as a Second Language.  But, nobody believes I can do such a thing and everyone thinks I should go into computers as I am always on the computer at home.  I even though about being a Medical Assistant but my grandmother, I live with her see as I don’t have a job or any place to live otherwise, doesn’t think that is a good path for me.  That I need something where I can work from home and not deal with the public since I have a lack of social skills and anxiety that make it hard for me to be around people, as well as PTSD due to childhood abuse.  I don’t drive either and don’t have my license, we have no public transportation and live very far from a town so there’s no sidewalks to safely walk upon.  I don’t know, I just feel like life and my family are being thrown against me, attempting to put obstacles into my way to prevent me from being independent at all or having an actual life.  I can’t even stand up for myself against my own family and take charge of my life.  I think the reason I don’t drive, when I know I need to in order to become independent, is because I’m afraid of driving.   I’m also in the process of appealing a social security denial (this being my second case with social security) due to my mental issues of which I’m in therapy for, but I wonder if I should just give up on that and search for a real job somewhere.   College is out of the question due to the lack of finances, religious obstacles, and the fact that I have no way to get to college.  That worries me as well…college.  The tuition is just getting higher and higher the more time passes.  I worry that if I wait too long to go to college then I will not be able to afford the price at all.  Being that I am Muslim, we cannot take out loans as they deal with interest and Muslims can’t deal with interest.  I know there are some Muslims who are out there that say interest is okay to go to college and better themselves as long as they pay it all back but I don’t want to go against God’s orders just to go to college and better my life.  Even if I did go to college without worrying about loans, the only way I can think to do that is to go to college part-time, there is no guarantee I would get into the Early Childhood Education program as it is very competitive which leaves me working minimum wage for the rest of my life.  I still want to try though to go to college and attempt to make something of myself. Honestly, I don’t hold my breath that I will be approved with the social security appeal as I was not before and around here, it seems difficult to prove if you look healthy enough to work and don’t have any physical impairments.  I’ve joked with my grandmother and my old therapist that it seems the only way for me to get social security is to break my back and become paralyzed or something.   Really, the only reason I am applying for it is to make my grandmother happy and because she wants me to have a stable income if anything were to happen to her.   Well, I have to go. I may or may not update today after my therapy session.

May the odds be ever in your favor.

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