I have always known where my happiness was

Today is an above average day for me because I have got to spend it with 2 of my children. I had decided the other day that these journal entries are possibly foolish but I told myself today that these might be my only legacy. I will print them out and make sure that someone can give them to my children if something were to happen to me. I know that my children love me and they have forgiven me for anything that I have done wrong. They also know that I struggle w/ a split family. They know that my love for their mother is very high. I think of that woman more than myself. All of my thoughts and emotional energy are focused on my family/her. That is no secret. I ask myself everyday how much more that I have to endure. Today was another low blow. Again!?!?! I have bowed down to her every wish. I do not think that I could be any more emotional exhausted. My life has been taken from me. I am just an empty shell. I have been mocked, spoken Ill of, etc. All while trying to keep my brides image upon a pedestal. I can feel the weight of it crushing down on me. I DO NOT want to replace her memory w/ anger/hate. I don’t know who she thinks about, who makes her smile or who pleasures her body. I BEG God to take this away from me. It’s not fair. I sit back and admire the love shared between families/spouses of even strangers that I have never met. What’s hurts is that the most confidence I have is knowing what kind of asset I could be to my family. I could fill all of my brides needs as a husband. I have learned many things through heartache. I have acknowledged my own selfishness. I have learned to forgive no matter what the hurt may be. None of this matters now. I traveled through this gauntlet of marriage living and learning to only be abandoned. I HAD BIG plans for my families future. I wanted to teach my children things about work. I wanted to help facilitate their futures through our business. I wanted to branch out the business and provide an independent future for my children. Now, they live their own lives. I’m just that every other weekend dad. More of a sperm donor now. I can’t hug them every night before bed. I can’t redeem myself and show them exactly what a healthy marriage/family structure should be. Now, chaos is what they know. I know that their mother wouldn’t be opposed for me to not even have “rights” to them. That was a punch to the gut when I heard that. My sweet daughter (who is loaded with faith) asked me if her mom would ever feel bad for what she is doing/has done. I responded that I believe that she will but she could be 80 years old on her death bed before that happens. I also said that it could even be next week however it would take a visit from God himself. I predicted it years ago…. maybe it was inevitable…… maybe it was strictly because of my actions. I often said(and would have dreams) that my bride would get tired of me and want to experience the world. She said to me more than once that I had too much of the “world” in me. However, I have this sick sinking feeling that she is more attracted to the world than me. All that I care about and desire is my family. All that I care about is togetherness. I knew when she wouldn’t disable facebook with me that she had other desires. She wanted to live free, in charge, in her circles etc. Living like that will leave you as empty as the bottle that you just finished. Believe me, I experienced it first hand. Now I suffer from all of the regrets and try to pick up pieces while she lives out her life. It has been evident that I am not even a memory in her mind. She wants every tie, picture, name etc buried as deep as she can. I won’t bother to try and type out the hurt that I have experienced. The only ones who would even understand are the ones who have walked down the same road. As a matter of fact….. I heard of someone the other day who joined a “12 step program” to try and get his focus off of his wife. I thought to myself….. the “12 gauge program” is more efficient. LOL Why have I soaked my pillow over her if she doesn’t care about me?? I thought that I was doing the noble thing. I thought that is what every girl wanted. Any person who has listened to my desire for my bride has responded “I wish that there was someone who would do that for me”. But nonetheless, I just happen to be married to the one who wants something new. She is done with the old. I am that dirty dishrag who has no value anymore. The thing is….. I only ache for worth to that woman. I do not desire wealth or fame or popularity. Just her………..

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