Thursday December 28th

Yesterday I texted Brent that I could move into his flip house and pay the payment until he sold it. We went back and forth about it some, he said don’t move. He was nice. So if he has zero interest in me or what happens to me, first of all, why didn’t he just say, thanks for offering, but no. And why would he say don’t move. If he has no interest in me or what I do or my future why would he say that. I don’t think he treats me at all like he doesn’t want anything to do with me. He may say stuff to Bethany like that, but that’s not what he says to me. I don’t understand at all. If he really hated me I think he would shut me down every time I said something, and if he hated me, why would he care if I moved? I just don’t understand. 

Later…

My mother has been with Bethany all day. It’s lovely how she is so worried about me unless she has a better option

Like I said, if she was still allowed at my sister’s house, I wouldn’t have heard a word from her on xmas. I am only the last resort kid. If there is another option, she takes it. If she was so worried about me being alone and depressed, she got over it quickly when Bethany was willing to spend the day with her. Bethany will not come see me. All this is exactly why I know that no one would give a flying fuck if I killed myself. I’m sure some of them would use it as an excuse to try to make people feel sorry for them. Bethany and my mother. My sister would  be embarrassed by it. 

My mother being with Bethany today and calling me laughing made me so angry. I don’t want to go to dinner with them, but I’m going because Brent is going. I asked Brent if he wanted to ride there together. Of course he said no. I am so frustrated with everything right now. 

I did nothing today. Really nothing. I laid on my couch all day and watched TNG. That show is so comforting to me when I am having bad anxiety. 

I am going to go to this dinner and try to act normal. I need to get a plan for next year. I am going to do the foster parent training for sure. Money is my main issue. My life wouldn’t be so unbearable if I wasn’t broke. In fact, if I won the lottery, suicide would be off the table. I would be able to take care of myself if I had plenty of money. I would tell everyone to go fuck themselves, too. I would take care of the humane society and the Hope Center and charitable organizations that I like, but my relatives can go fuck off. I would take care of my brother and pay my mother some amount of money. I bet Bethany would like me if I had money. She might come visit me then. 

I am going to do my best to keep living for now. I hate myself so much. If I had the money to pay off my bills (about $15,000) and the money to buy a house and furnish it, maybe I would feel better. 

4 thoughts on “Thursday December 28th”

  1. LISTEN you arn’t alone please stay in there I know I’M just a stupid 14 year old but please no i don’t even know you and i care about you. You have to create the life you want to wake up too. PEOPLE ARE FUCKIN ASSHOLES UGHHHH jesus but trust me whatever your struggling with you can do this u can make it through this U CAN DO IT!! I was suicidal I take medication IT’s horrible i know what you feel like just there is that little voice deep down inside you telling you to stay and to kepp moving on you got this girl frannn

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