Why begin?

I’ve recently been doing a lot of thinking after the plane incident. Life is so fragile and transient. I don’t want to forget any moment of my existence, because I know I’ll never get this precious time back, ever again.

It gets much worse towards the end of the day, at night and especially when it is dark. When you have time to really step back and stare at the sky. Look up at the stars and realize that we are only just a flash of light in the void of eternal darkness that is space. Is there anything for us after death? Or is this it. Our years on Earth are all we are, and after that all we have worked for and remember and love just disappear alongside our consciousness. 

It is so scary. It is already scary enough thinking about that kind of abrupt ending for myself, but it scares me infinitely more to think about it happening to those I love. My parents, sisters, friends, all the people that I have not met yet that will touch me deeply and who I will grow attached to. The mere thought of them, one day helpless, ravaged by time, and eventually closing their eyes for the last time…it is truly and utterly terrifying. 

Sometimes I go to the bathroom mirror and stare at my own face. When you look at a human face you see a face; but instead I tried to look at myself, and see just a lump of meat. Because at the end of the day that is all our physicality is. I try to imagine myself old, wrinkled, sick. It terrifies me. I try to imagine forgetting, the cloudiness of memory that old age brings. That terrifies me more. What is there to man but our consciousness? 

And what is there to consciousness but fear and pain. We have the ability to contemplate our ultimate demise, but there is no concrete evidence of our consciousness, or soul, surviving beyond the restraints of our physical body. I really really really wish there is something after our physical death. That’s why I keep referring to it as a physical death- I truly want to believe that in a sense our spiritual energy lives on. 

But how? There are so many questions still unanswered. I’m blessed to have access to journals and professors who’s work comprises such matters. Mortality is the pressing and fundamental topic of humanity; at this point in time, it is what DEFINES the human condition. It’s something that I’m fascinated by and will continue to explore. 

Either way, whatever happens after, I hope to instill something of myself in my writings.

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