Day 9 December 30,2017 7:37pm

Red is still in jail and I have a court hearing Friday Jan 5,2018. For the order of protection. I’m really nervous and I’m really scared of Red coming after me. I don’t know why but I just feel terrified. I’m so scared something is going to happen. I pray to god nothing happens to me or Red doesn’t do anything stupid to hisself. He’s been in jail for 8 days and I never expected him to be in there this long. I feel so so bad for him that he has spent Christmas and New Years in jail. He gave me no choice but to do this. I begged him to stop putting his hands on me and he wouldn’t stop. I want to file for divorce. I keep watching crime shows on you tube of abusers killing their wife and it’s really scaring me. I mean I wanna believe that Fm would never hurt me like that but he hurt me every single day and said and did things I never thought he would so what’s stopping him from killing me or hurting me badly? I’m just so scared and nervous for what’s to come. I wanna be excited for the new year and new life ahead of me but I’m really scared. I don’t know what to think. I’m so confused. He’s probably so angry at me for putting him in jail all this time and for getting the order of protection. And since he is not gonna have anywhere to live. And he does suffer from a mental disorder. What if he tries to ruin my life?? He could call dcs on me like he’s always threatened and tell them I’m on methadone. I just don’t know. And I had to write a bad check for $91 at Walmart the other night to buy me and Hannah food and things. Now I’m scared to death I’m gonna go to jail for writing a bad check. And I’m scared my cable and internet will be cut off I only have $180 of the $270 or probably more I will need. And I’m scared of my future relationships I feel I will never ever be able to trust a man again. It’s gonna take me so many years to get over a decades worth of abuse at the hands of a man that vowed to love me and take care of me forever and he did none of that. He wouldn’t even get a job and support us his own family. He laid that burden on my shoulders and then put me down for doing it. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I’m so scared he’s gonna talk me back into forgiving him but I know I can’t. He will never forgive me for this and will throw it up to me for years to come. Another dream and hope I had that I have to let go of is I wanted so so bad to have another baby and now that dream is shattered and will probably never happen. I will probably never get to have another baby in my life and that hurts and breaks my heart so freaking bad!!!

Leave a Comment: