December 30th 2017

There are many times that I have come to realize that I made mistakes and made things worse for myself. I’m just a shitty person and I can’t seem to change that because that’s who I am. I push people away and they seem to stay away. And that’s how I like it. For the moment. It always seems like when I try to reconnect with those people, they don’t even know me. When I need someone to want me they don’t. I lost my only 3 friends when I graduated high school and left them behind. I haven’t talked to them since November 20th. That’s how hurt I am. That I even remember the last time we talked. And it wasn’t even a real conversation. They only gave 1 word answers and it seemed like they just wanted to get it over with so they could go back their own lives that didn’t include me. And they haven’t made any effort to contact me since that time so I guess they don’t want to know me anymore. And that’s fine. I can’t make people be my friend and I can’t make myself be a likeable person. I hate that nobody wants me. I don’t understand what I have to do to get people to like me. I like to be alone but it’s nice to have people to talk to when I need it. I guess I just don’t understand myself.

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