Life sucks. Being human sucks. I am disappointed. That is the best way I can put it. I thought I was sad. I thought I was mad. I thought I was lonely. No! I am disappointed. Do you want to know the best part? It is all my fault. Maybe I am a little sad, a little mad, a little lonely. But I am disappointed. In who? In my family, in my friends, in myself. I give EVERYTHING for everyone to the point to where I messed up my own life. I have this immense need to use profanity throughout this entire article right now however I acknowledge that it would be very inappropriate and vulgar. So, I will simply explain in a “professional” way why I am feeling like this.
You know when people say you cannot rely on anyone but yourself? No one can help you but yourself? Do not expect the world to treat you the way you treat it? Guess what? They are right. If you are reading this and have chose to close your ears to this, DON’T. Do not end up feeling the way I do. I give and give and give and receive little to nothing in return. I have been let down so many times that I now choose to see the worse in people. I used to be the type of girl that gave everyone the benefit of the doubt. I saw rainbows and sunshine in people. I willed for people to change. I did not want to be what the rest of the world is. However, that is no longer the case. I no longer see joy and happiness. I no longer see the best in people. I no longer feel that hope I once felt. It is so bad that I am becoming the person I once despised. SELFISH.
We have 1.5 days left until the New Years and although I have changed a lot, I still believe in New Years resolution. My New Year’s resolution is to change. I have however pondered over what they change will be. Do I want to be nicer to people but risk people taking advantage of me? Do I want to stop giving altogether but risk changing that “good part” in me? Do I want to be more blunt with people but risk coming off as rude? Do I want to just start over? Delete all my social media, remove almost everyone from my life and stop believing they are good for me? I want to be mean. It is taking EVERYTHING inside to not become that bitter person who despises everyone, but people are driving me there and the brakes have been removed.
It is my own fault. I let them. I continued to give when I had nothing left to give. I continued to water their personality even though the soil they were growing in was tainted. Please help me. This is my cry for help. This is me reaching out to that last good part of me before she is completely gone. I have 1.5 days left before a new me blossoms and I have no idea who she will be. This is it. The is the final test for myself. This is the end. I wish I wrote this from a better position but anger is all I feel….wow. I thought it was disappointment. I guess I was wrong yet again.