Resolve to…..

New Year’s eve is tomorrow.  I always think about making some resolutions, but I rarely do so.  There are, however, a couple I’d like to resolve to change this time.  One is related to self-care and that is a paramount part of recovery.  It is simply to improve my posture.  I have neck and back pain and perhaps this simple change can help with those. 

My recovery is another huge resolution.  I had stopped the steps having completed 1 through 5.  I’m at the one where we are finally ready to ask our higher power to remove our shortcomings so that we may get closer to enlightenment.  Well, I don’t want to just do lip service and say that I am, I truly want and desire to fully do so.  So I’m working with my therapist on that part, after which I resolve to continue working on the steps and completing all 12.  Actually, just because you work through all the steps, they never stop and you continue to work them forever.  That’s my resolution.

Aside from the above two, wrapped up inside of those will be being a better husband, father, neighbor, employee, friend and overall better person.  It means reacting to anything negative with love and understanding rather than my usual reaction which is self defense or worse even more aggressive options, always verbally but hurtful.  What I mean is, when someone says something to me which is mean spirited, I wish to react by being loving and forgiving rather than striking back.  That’s not easy for me.  I’ve always thought this would be the actions, or rather inactions, of a wimp.  I was wrong.  And the older I get, the more I seek peace.  I can’t have peace if I am not peaceful.  I want to be trusted, and that comes when I live a trustworthy life.  I want to be gentle and not so damned intense as I used to be.  Love and peace; those are what I now want from myself.

As for others, I’ve learned that I cannot set expectations of anyone else.  That’s just the stuff that resentments are made of and I’ve had far too many of those in my life.  Until I can live without that anchor dragging me down, I cannot breathe and be happy, which means I cannot help anyone else around me be happy either.  Vicious cycle, but it is one that I can influence by doing my part.

Happy New Year to everyone.  I hope that 2018 is better than all previous years.  Last July, I never imagined that I would be sitting here, in my home typing this with my wife loving me and encouraging me.  

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