Angry entry

This has been one of the worst days I have had for a long time. Whenever I think I won’t get any lower…I do. I know I have been feeling really bad since the end of November but I thought I was going to start coming out of it and today happened. I had a stupid argument with my dad over the TV (Dad was watching a film with lots of gun violence and distressed people and Harry wanted to watch cBeebies) that went out of control and he said this wasn’t even my house so I have no right in anything here. It wasn’t the argument about the TV that upset me it was the whole ‘this isn’t your house’ thing. In money terms it isn’t my house but I have grown up in it, I have lived here the past 29 years, surely it does me it’s my home? I cried and was upset that my mum was there in the room listening to the argument but didn’t say a word even when my dad said this wasn’t even my house. I said I was feeling really unwell, I tried to explain I hadn’t been feeling well for a while but my mum just said I was ridiculous and such a drama queen. So I cried alone. I am genuinely upset about this comment about this not being my home even though it’s always been…well I thought it was my home, I have been here 29 years…I probably am stupid and pathetic but my emotions are always so strong and whenever I argue with someone it escalates into catastrophic levels and I can’t calm down. That’s why when they sectioned me in the private hospital back in 2008 they stamped me with the Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. I tried to explain to mum I hadn’t been feeling well at all but she just said if I told anyone else this I should know that Harry would be taken off me. Yeah mum I actually do know all of this. So then I was even more upset about her comments. We’d literally just come back from spending two nights at my older sister’s house in Reading with Harry and it’s hard work taking a very young child to stay at someone else’s house for a couple of nights.

I’m frustrated at myself. I know my parents can’t help me. I know my dad in particular seems to like having the power of me about this house; he knows I cannot afford private rental and would be homeless if they didn’t let me and Harry stay at home anymore…and he likes that power. He’s said this kind of thing before to me but in a different way, not so blunt though. I feel sad that my own father doesn’t think this is my home because of the fact I never paid for it…but he is ill. He has been since I was 12. He’s said much worse to me when I was a teenager. I piss myself off because I know what he’s like, yet I still get upset about his comments. He used to say I was a freak and a failure and he understands why nobody likes me which was worse because I was only a child yet at 29 years old I still get stupid and upset. Urgh.

I feel stuck and stupid. No I can’t afford private rental and I’ve been on Cardiff council’s waiting list for like a year and a half and have heard nothing of any kind of result. I have a child and my parents could make us homeless if they wanted and my dad knows this well and likes to have that power over me. I am desperate to leave this horrible place. Why am I even upset that my dad says this isn’t my home, only bad stuff has ever happened here. I was raped in my own bedroom here by an ex-fiancé when I was 18, I have seen my dad ill since I was like 11, then my mum, I can’t remember any of the good stuff that happened here anymore because they happened when I was too young to remember. Why do I want this to be considered my home, so much shit has happened here. And who cares if my parents are like this with me…they can’t help, they are both ill. I don’t get on with my mum, I never have done. I can make it on my own, and I will. Happy fucking New Year. I don’t want this to be my home anyway, I have yet to find my home and I will find my own home. There’s got to be more help out there for people like me.

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