Broken, will I become stronger?

I feel lost. I don’t want this life anymore. I feel like I am all alone even though I am surrounded by people, by family. Why is life so hard? Why are my problems nothing for some people but so hard for me. I feel like they are crushing me slowly. This is not how I imagined my life to become. I used to be so happy and so positive. So hardworking toward everything. But somehow toward the end I became so depressed inside while looking so happy outside. The day I fell down in front of my parents and cried my heart out still makes me feel so guilty. The way I broke their hearts. I broke them. Their eyes that looked so sad. So sad that they didn’t know. My father always used to call me his hope. The one person he trusted and confided in and how sad he was seeing me like that. OMG what had I done. They shouldn’t have known. I shouldn’t be a burden to anyone. I don’t want them to see me as burden. I don’t want to burden anyone.

I held it in for so long while nobody had any awareness of how deeply damaged I was inside. I was so broken that even I didn’t know it myself. Not until that day. That day which changed so many things. The day where I actually found out I was broken. Whenever I think about it, it makes me feel so guilty and angry. I am so angry at myself. I can’t blame anyone any longer. I was old enough to actually choose how to live my life. I shouldn’t have let my parents control everything. I shouldn’t have let their problems, anger and mistrust ruin my whole existence, my future and my dreams. Oh God I am still stuck. Stuck in their dreams and hope. I am afraid. Afraid since this is my last chance of actually passing. If I don’t I am not sure if I am strong enough to actually survive it this time. Even now I am crying while writing this. I hope that I can have some more courage from this second on. Please God help me. I need your help. And I am so sorry for neglecting you. It’s all my fault. I am so sorry. Please forgive me and please help me.   

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