Sunday December 31st

My mother is mad at me again, I think. On Friday, I had just gotten to school when she called me. She was upset and yelling because Kyle’s heat still wasn’t working and she had called people to come but none would come because she had made the mistake of telling them it wasn’t her house. I think she wanted me to run to her at that moment. I said to her that she has a key to my house and she could go there and get my space heater. This really pissed her off and she hung up on me.

I am in a ACoA group on Facebook and I had related a similar story about my mother getting mad at me earlier in the week because Kyle’s heat wasn’t working and she was having trouble managing his dog. Someone commented that sociopaths pick one target. I don’t know if she’s a sociopath, but I do know that I am always the target. How on earth did she arrive at the conclusion that my brother’s dog and my brother’s nonworking heat are my fault? I have no idea but she was mad at me. Never mind that she had spent the entire previous day out running around with Bethany, having lunch, shopping, getting pedicures, with no worry at all about the fact that the heat wasn’t working. Also, no worry at all about me being home alone, deeply depressed. My father was the alcoholic, but she is the reason I am so messed up. She did this to me way more than his drinking did. It was her choices that have created me. I don’t even know what is wrong with her- where to even begin. I don’t know what happened to her to make her the way that she is. I do know that since she married Gerald, he has taken my place to a large extent as her number one target for abuse. He gets it from her constantly. I feel sorry for him that he made such a horrible mistake and married her. He is so religious and what not he would never leave her or divorce her no matter how badly she treats him. 

I know she didn’t treat my father like that. She never abused him- I guess I got most of it then, and she was always mad at my mamaw over something, so she took a lot of her anger and abuse, too. I know my mamaw wasn’t a very good mother to her. My mamaw is a nice person, and I never heard her say a bad word about anybody, but she wasn’t the motherly type. I think she dumped my mother on her parents a lot of the time. I know she never gave my mother any rules or boundaries growing up. The only one I know of was her telling my mother she could not get married until she graduated from college.  Everything else was a free for all, it seems. 

My brother, my sister, and I are all so jacked up. We have all expressed it differently. We have all been divorced. We all are screwed up. 

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