Goodbye and Hello

Uhm, Hi, Hello and Goodbye,

I started to write this year, in exchange of saying goodbye to most of my friends and fam. I am, so done with my love life, done with fake friendship, done with my life.

I want a fresh start, I want to get a new life, I want to stop feeling empty and unwanted, ignored and thrown away.

So I am doing this to myself. I am closing off the world around me and will forget everything. I will look for someone who can accept me as I am and at the same time will force me to be better. Even if the person will never exist. Even if the person is never a person. I will not stop looking. I am an ugly person in and out, so ugly that I hate myself so much. I hate being that coward who cannot said no to a friend, who obviously only taken advantage of me.

But is it wrong that I want a new chance? Is it wrong if I want someone to at least ask me if I was okay? With no ulterior motive.

And dear god, if you happen to see or hear me somewhere. Can you please give signals. Cos I am saying goodbye to almost everything, and saying hi to loneliness. My life in 2018 would be devastating, I know, much worse than 2017 when I lost my dad, my friend, my dreams.

Even last night I dream of loosing everything that I hold precious and dear, the same dream that keeps on appearing while I was so down. At that dream I lost everything, and I am trying so hard to get it back, at the end I dont know if I get it back or no. But all I know, no one is there for me, no one help me. Until I break down and cried in one’s arms. Who I dont remember the face. And I wake up with relieved that everything is still here with me.

I know it is nothing,my life a complete nothing. I wish that this heart would stop being so melodramatic.

So goodbye for now, and Hi, I will rant here again tomorrow, and the day after, the next day after, until I fed up and will decide to stop everything.

I am okay, I am really okay.

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