If Only We Could Turn Back Time… But I Guess We’ll Never Know

I got back from holiday yesterday. 

It was an awful holiday. I was so horrible to my mum all the way through. I was angry, I was resentful, I was spiteful. For reasons unbeknown to her. 

On the 25th December I was attacked by my partner. For the second time in 2 months. The first time I was admitted into hospital for 4 days. Suspected fractured jaw. Soft diet. Concussion.

Didn’t press charges. Not sure why, really? He called me whilst I was there asking for my door keys. I let him stay in my home whilst I was holed up in hospital. After he put me there. 

On the 24th December, the day started as any other. I’d kicked him out a few days prior. I found out he’d stolen from me. £750 in a month. 

He called me. Said he’d help me find my iPad which I’m now convinced he’s stolen and sold. I met him in town. He helped me do some Christmas shopping. 

I didn’t feel great, so we went to the pub at around 2pm. It all went downhill from there. I remember returning home at around 11pm. He’d got my key and disappeared somewhere so I broke into my own home. Tanked up. 

He came back at some point. Not sure what happened but I remember fighting. I remember having my hair grabbed, I remember kicking him in the face. I remember being punched. I remember him taking a knife and telling me to leave. I was scared to turn round. I refused. He again told me to leave, pointing a knife at me. So I ran. I ran with no shoes on. I ran with no key. I ran with no phone. I ran to the main road and managed to ring the police. 

So, Christmas Day was spent having my front door boarded up after the police rammed it. Then, I had to ring a friend and sleep there. I had to do the whole police station thing. I had to make a statement. I had to get photos taken of my injuries. I was told he’d been arrested. 

My mum’s present to me was a trip to Tenerife on the 29th December for a couple of days. I’ve been horrible to her. I know I have. I know I’ve been so difficult. But I’m going through so much. 

Just as I begin to think it’s over… I receive a missed call yesterday. I google the number and it belongs to his remand prison. So, now I’m almost sitting by my phone hoping he calls again. Why aren’t I mad? Why aren’t I disgusted? I had to hide the bruises. I had to make up a lie about my door. Why don’t I want to live without him?

I have nobody to talk to. Everyone, I feel, is so wrapped up in their own lives – engagements, boyfriends, houses, children – and I’m not necessarily saying that’s wrong ‘cos it’s great – but nobody checks in. Nobody checks to see if I’m OK. Nobody rings me for a chat. Nobody stops by my home for a cup of tea. 

For the first time ever, I’m alone. Completely alone. Even when I had him I wasn’t alone and I sacrificed my wellbeing and health in order to not be alone. Now, I’m alone and I’d rather go back to him than be here. 

3 thoughts on “If Only We Could Turn Back Time… But I Guess We’ll Never Know”

  1. Sometimes we crave attention even if it’s the wrong kind of attention. You allow your partner to treat you badly and you stay with him because of how you feel about yourself. Annabelle, you deserve so much better. Be strong and find strength. Your mom sounds like a huge support. Don’t lash out at the one person who will always be there for you. Talk to her.

  2. I had an abusive relationship once. It was extremely hard to get out of, and that wasn’t all his fault, I couldn’t pull myself away. I will tell you, when you finally rip the bandaid off, it’s extremely painful for a while but can also be exhilarating; the freedom to breath easy again, reflect, grow and become whole again. You will be nothing but better off losing the baggage. Good luck.

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