New Year – New Me?

Apparently my bullshit-o-meter is about 2 weeks to blow or writing another journal entry, so I’m back. It is the new year and many people are touting resolutions, are you? Well, I’m not realistically people don’t stick to resolutions and what’s more time is all a relative thing to human civilization and has little baring on human actions. I know the typical resolution lose that last 20 pounds or for some people that grows every year to 25, 30, a whole bunch. I could lose weight sure but I’ve already been working on that without the help of new year’s to kick me in the ass. I’m not looking forward to not being able to use half of the machines in the gym. I’ve been going 7 days a week for the last 2 months now to help feel better about binging on Netflix. If I want to watch 2-4 episodes of something then I’ll just go on a jog, stair master or the elliptical (productive right). The ironic thing is that the only reason I’m not at the gym right now and I’m writing on here is that the gym is closed on New Year’s as is everything else. So rest assured everyone that made that resolution you can eat all the left over desserts and fattening foods for one more day the gym is closed. 

Another New Year’s favorite eat healthier, well that is not something I intend to do. Firstly, my husband seems to be allergic to anything healthy chicken, turkey anything not red meat. I’m actually serious on that and it has been tested several times throughout our relationship when Benadryl was close on hand, he isn’t lying unfortunately. Not to mention my will power only goes so far. Sure I can exercise a crap ton, go to work, strive to do awesome stuff but if I’m trying to deny myself every candy bar that’s a losing battle. Most people don’t realize that you have a finite amount of will power and you can only spend it on doing so much whether it’s healthy eating, exercising, quitting smoking etc. With eating I find it particularly tough because you can be strong for 99% of the day everyday but it’s that 1% the 2 minutes that you binge late at night because you are so hungry from a day of healthy eating that are all that matter to your scale. So indulge in the little things, have a cookie but don’t go crazy and use that as an excuse to eat terribly all the time. That’s the other mistake people make letting themselves off the hook because it’s too hard. No I don’t eat like a fitness trainer but I don’t also eat a pint of ice cream or slather on the butter either, a happy medium I suppose.

If I were to actually commit and do some resolution it wouldn’t be to spend more time with family and loved ones. Hell I am stationed 3,000 miles away with not enough leave time or money for that plane ticker and my family doesn’t travel well. No my resolution would be something more obtainable and hopefully not cliché. Do a minimum of one thing a day to move forward with yourself. So sure exercise can count under that and I hope that I continue to work out like crazy as I have been. However, say I get injured or time becomes more elusive then doing something as simple as reading a book and expanding my vocabulary or getting my A+ certification this Wednesday for example would suffice. I think that’s a better goal because it leaves a lot of room for success and not a lot for failure. 

How’s the husband you ask well as I’m sure many of the posts on here are about frustrated people and complaining, my response would be no different. I’m still struggling with the fact that we are hitting the 3 month mark of him being unemployed because he has a certain idea of what he’s worth and anything that doesn’t meet that idea he won’t consider. I guess it doesn’t matter if it hurts other people in the process or causes undue struggle for his wife. I suppose it is good we don’t have children. The children thing is a sore subject to because everyday I feel like we’re further and further from that too. You have to be doing a little extracurricular activities to make babies and every day joining a convent seems closer and closer on the horizon. While I might say that it is a two way street I’m not really pushing for that anymore either I’ve noticed.

To everyone that’s in a relationship let’s be honest real love is not limitless. I don’t think it should have terms where if you gain more than 10 pounds here’s the divorce papers or if you get horrible disfigured etc. However, be realistic with yourself and truthful it can be hard. If you are tying someone to you for the rest of your life wouldn’t you want to try to make it worth it to them. If they can only be intimate with you ONLY you for the rest of their lives wouldn’t you want to try to stay at an attractive level for them. Not gain horrible amounts of weight, groom yourself that can go from shaving to at least shower/brush your damn teeth. Do you expect the same back from them? Don’t hit me with the love it blind quotes and of course not. That is bullshit if we’re being honest it’s the PC answer but it is not what makes most of us happy. With that same mentality wouldn’t you want to make an effort to do things to make your significant other happy especially if they give you step by steps on how to do that. That is broad and can mean anything from pleasing someone sexually to getting a job or some means of contributing financially. Making coffee in the mornings or filling the car up for when they use it next. Suggesting to go on dates or realizing that every health couple does need their space and sending the other out to go for a walk or hang out with their friends. 

I complain often on here about my husband I’m aware. I feel that I do this because I’ve attempted to talk directly to him in many different manners and the response is generally either defensive or not listening. Is it the only thing I try to talk with him about no because I can also see how being critical of someone always doesn’t help anyone. However, sometimes you need to express yourself to the person your with and when that becomes useless essentially venting to a random message board seems like the healthier approach than divorce. There are obviously many things I love about him or I wouldn’t still be with him. He will often do the little things when he can. He put up no protest when I went to a concert with some friends or went a little crazy making a Christmas feast for all. With that being said he put a ring on my finger and largely stopped any pretense at trying in our relationship.

I’m backing into a corner here if you haven’t guessed by mandate of my job I am required to take care of him i.e. feed, cloth and house him regardless if he wants to sit at home and not look for work at all. He doesn’t have to be intimate with me at all, he doesn’t have to care that he’s gain 40+ pounds since we met and is now on the verge of medical issues like sleep apnea. He doesn’t have to shower, shave, brush his teeth or put on fresh clothes despite them all being available to him. He also doesn’t have to talk to someone professionally when all those signs point to depression regardless of the urgings of his wife, family and friends. Not all of that is depression though there is a large amount of laziness to it. Why buy your wife flowers or presents at all for that matter if you don’t have to. Why reciprocate and buy Christmas, birthday, anniversary, valentine’s day or other random niceties even though your wife get’s you things you’ve been asking for on those occasions. It’d be better to get something half-assed or completely wrong than to try to dodge around the questions from friends/family that you appreciated all the things you “got”. What specifically did you get? Well overdue bills, time to be alone until 3:00PM every holiday because your husband never feels rested, to be badgered that you haven’t delivered coffee in bed, done the laundry, washed the dishes, and grabbed groceries by the time he’s woken up. And love of course.

Dear Santa next year I want macaroni art and already expired hand written coupons for massages/breakfast in bed. I might actually have a shot at getting those. 

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