1.2.2018 – Finding the Motivation

Dear…

From the moment I woke up today, I had already fucked up.

Its 11:36 A.M., I’m in my pajamas somewhere in the middle of my shipwreck of a bed. My hair is sticking out on all sides, and I’m scrolling through stuff on my phone. My room has two states of existence, and never falls anywhere in between. It goes from either fresh outta spring cleaning, straight to fresh outta a dumpster. I’m not proud, its just how my cookie crumbles. 

I hear my mom coming up the stairs. My house (my actual home, not the home I live in at school) is very sound friendly. You can hear most of what is going on in my house at all times from whatever room you are in. My mom coming up the stairs at this time of the day is a trigger that she’s going to come into my bedroom. Not a bad thing, I just get more alert than I was the split second I hear her come left down the hallway. 

She knocks, I make some noise, she tells me I had a dentist appointment at 11, I groan. Way to be on top of things. Solid job. But, she also tells me it was able to be rescheduled for 2, so I’m off the hook for that one. 

I realize that now I have to go and attempt to be a human, because I failed at my one job already and I’d been awake for a solid five minutes. So I get ready, brush my teeth super well because, aye, I’m going to the dentist, and eat some food. 

One thing I hate about growing up and still not being completely on my own is going to appointments. Sure, I know I’ve gone to these places probably about a thousand times before and nothing should go wrong, BUT SOMETHING ALWAYS DOES. And I don’t have my mom there to answer the simple questions that the appointment hinges on. Or, I don’t know that I fucked up until I get home and my mom will say “Well, I needed this. I can’t do this without having that thing you were supposed to get.” And I’m always like, “How the fuck was I supposed to know that I didn’t get the right thing. I’m like twelve.” Even though I go in feeling prepared, and like I know what I’m doing, it would always be ten times easier if my mom was there to just get what she needs so I don’t somehow fuck it up.

I’m an early person. I always get to places early. Being late makes me anxious, and waiting go somewhere when I’m ready also makes me anxious. So I just go. Yeah, I know I did really well with that already, considering I didn’t show up earlier in the day. But that usually doesn’t happen. 

Get there early, and there’s tons of parking open in that small parking lot, so amen to that. Wait a few minutes, I get to go to the hygienist I like. Does anyone else have a problem with getting a hygienist that talks to you way too much? Their hands will be elbow deep into your throat, they want you to recite the Declaration of Independence, and all you can manage to do is gurgle and minutely shake your head. I used to have a girl like that. Then by some miracle, I think a scheduling thing, I got a much better one who I’ve had for a few years now. She is a blessing. She asks me all the life questions before her hands are putting metal in my mouth. She asks me if I’m going to get x-rays, because I’m due. And I just think in my head, thanks mom, I’m not an adult now because you didn’t tell me if I could get x-rays or not. I didn’t. Maybe next time. 

Everything’s good. She calls in the only doctor who works in this place to do an exam, which is usual. I feel like I have the same conversation with this guy every time I meet him, and he never remembers that we already had it. Yes, I play tennis and my favorite player is Federer. Yes, I know you like tennis as well. 

He does my exam, which is basically just checking things over, and they say I have a small cavity. This is not abnormal for me. I cannot remember how many times I have had small cavities filled.  I tried to think of it on my way home and the only one I can solidly remember is the one they kind of messed up. It was in between two teeth, and it was not polished down enough, so it would tear floss if I ever tried flossing. Then there was one time that one filling made the top half of my mouth cold sensitive. They fixed both of those for free, considering they were the ones to fuck them up, and they’ve done a lot of good for me. But the cavities just small things. They’re nothing I need novocaine for usually, just a spot they will catch and decide to fill it so it won’t turn into something. Doesn’t even hurt. Nothing compared to getting your wisdom teeth out. I did that. But that story can be for another time. 

The doctor says the stuff about the cavity, and then turns the conversation around. He proceeds to thank me for taking care of my teeth. And in my mind I was like, sir, did you not just tell me I have a cavity that I need filled? Granted, this guy asks me if I had braces every time I see him, so I think he likes my teeth. Do I get adulting points for having my teeth liked by my dentist? 

I’m done with the appointment, and have to go back on the 11th to get it fixed. I pay for the appointment, and noticed something with the receipts that my mom would have said I fucked up if I had gone home with that. So, like the total adult I am, I went back and got the right thing sorted out, and went home like a boss. 

Then I decided I needed to do work for my winter class I’m taking online. I knew I had something due, and I thought it was an exercise or something that needed to be done. I check the work portal, and figure out that no, it was a quiz on a chapter I hadn’t finished reading yet. But the professor canceled it and moved it to Thursday, combining it with another quiz. God bless, this guy is an actual saint. Sometimes I do think, though, that some college professors (definitely not all) baby us students way too much. Some of them don’t make the students responsible for staying on top of their work, and just fold when enough of them whine and complain. And as a person who tries incredibly hard to stay on her schedule and plan out my time, I just feel like other people don’t know how to do that. Sure, I forgot it was a quiz I had to do, but I would have just taken an hour to finish the chapter and then done it. Not a big deal. But these students be cray, and the professor be babying.

Now, I sit here, writing all of this out before I go and work on some more of my class. Considering it is all shoved into a month, there is a lot to do. None of it is too difficult. I am taking a geography course, one that looks at ethnic and racial geography in America. It is actually quite interesting, but a low level class I’m taking for my psych major, because that obviously makes sense. So, I figured I’d get these thoughts out of my brain, do some solid work and then reward myself with a chocolate covered pretzel and an anime binge.

I’m living the high life. 

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