#1

This is my first time writing in a long time. I just needed to tell someone, anyone really, what is going on inside. I think my friends know I struggle but they will never truly understand. I’m disabled but I fake “normal” regularly. Daily I’m at a 6 level pain with some maddening brain fog trying to impress I’m beast of a boss to make her realize I could run this show. But to be honest, I’m scared I couldnt. My brain only functions when I’m high now. My aphasia is infuriating but it lessens when I vape. But heaven forbid that be actually legal. Kratom is a nice second choice. But that’s expensive. My life is work and medicine. That’s it. If I have a day off I cry. Because my body crashes and I can’t make myself gather up enough spoons to go function to do anything fun. I’m running out of friends. But I don’t blame them. I’m a great friend but I’m a depressing flake. I’ll put thought and effort into your birthday, I’ll be there for you with the best advice when you leave your boyfriend, I’ll even help you fill out college apps… But expect me to stay up past 9pm or make a plan more than a day in advance and I’m out. I’m pathetic. I wouldn’t be my friend. Maybe online. But not irl. What quality of friend would I be. And what would that say about myself if I let my friends treat me like a 2nd rate citizen? Like I said, I don’t blame them, it just adds to my depression. I did reach out to an old therapist today though. Maybe she can have Skype sessions with me. I haven’t been able to find anyone that understand a me well enough to make any progress since moving. That was 5 years ago. I did get on meds though for depression. That has helped a lot. But clearly I have some things to talk about. I probably should stick with a therapist for life because well, my conditions are going to get better. My body is just going to keep degenerating until I hate my life and die. 

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