2018

“You never lose by loving. You only lose by holding back.”

I had become accustomed to going to bed with no one beside me- waking up the very same. I didn’t mind eating at the table alone (figuratively and literally).

As far as I was concerned it was easier to just be by myself. My past relationship had left me so exhausted and drained.

I was quite honestly nauseated by the idea of binding myself to another person.

Have you ever heard of that one Warson Shire quote that says “My alone feels so good, I’ll only have you if you’re sweeter than my solitude”?

I may of well of plastered that baby on my walls. But I guess that was just it… No one was better than my solitude.

I didn’t care for boys who wasted my time, and they all had. I didn’t need a man in my life and it was so much easier without one.

Had I become a recluse? Maybe. Bitter? Probably. I was so enveloped in my daily routine and success that I genuinely was disinterested and turned off from forming any sort of relationship with the opposite sex.

Then out of nowhere, he showed up. I wasn’t looking and I didn’t want anything like this, but here he is- and I’m so damn thankful that he showed.

Have you ever met someone and just instantly… clicked? Cliché, I know.

But everything sappy and cliché suddenly relates to your life and you’re totally overwhelmed by how crazy you are about this person.

You two just mesh, and you can swear that there is no possible way that you have only known each other for a short period of time. It’s just too easy.

Never had I met someone that makes everyone else in the room just disappear. The commotion just stops and it’s suddenly just the two of you and the background noise blurs. He makes you laugh so deeply and sincerely that your sides physically hurt.

Everything you had believed previously about the contingencies of a relationship and love; it all fades. All at once, it hits you. You’d do absolutely anything to see this person happy; to see them look at you with that adoration brimming in their eyes.

Everything they do makes you smile immensely and all too frequently that your cheeks burn like the fire in your heart.

All at once, it makes sense- why nothing else has worked out before. All your pain and heartbreak and confusion- it’s lead you to him. You’re meant to be here. Everything is as it should be.

You flipped my entire reality upside down. Actually, you shook it and spun it and contorted it so it was barely recognizable.

Am I scared? No. I’m terrified. To offer such a large portion of your heart and confidence into the hands of someone who has the potential to completely obliterate it is to truly give yourself to another person.

But with the risk, comes the most beautiful potential I’ve ever seen the light of. If you’d told me I’d fall in love with a boy- I’d giggle at the thought.

No one prepared me for the difference of falling in love with a man.

Here’s to spending 2018 with the true love of my life, and every year after that. 🖤

I swear I’m going to marry this man. 

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