Yesterday he ripped my heart into pieces put it in a grinder and poured it out on the floor… then looked straight into my eyes and laughed as he watched every tear take the next breath from my lungs. This evil I witnessed was absolutely staggering. It was amazing to hear this man profess love for me and tell me how ungrateful I was for the favor that he bestowed on me with his presence. I bought him gifts I knew he wanted then listened as he blamed me for feeling tired because of this gift. I gave him what little I had and then listened to him tell me I had given him nothing. I think it just wasn’t enough of what he wanted in the way he wanted. I have not seen or felt this type of attack ever. People have always walked away… mostly because they are too busy or they don’t have the depth to understand. But no-one had ever tried to cause my heart to break for such a petty thing as sleeplessness then actually felt pleasure when watching how much it tore my spirit. He told me how dark my soul is! I gasp right now in only writing it down. The fact is this…i realized how tender it is in hearing him rip me open. It came so easily almost as if he had been craving to see me this way. Like He had been calculating this attack. He knew it wouldn’t take much… and it didn’t. When I accepted his deep seeded desire to torture me, I had to, this once take cover and speak up for myself. That doesn’t happen very often, but in these few moments of sheer terror for me… my grasp on reality was slipping and I began to go blind. I started to pray and He smiled and said “why would He listen to you” He made me say “no more” and then called me a whore as he crossed the street.
I never knew him at all. I don’t know him now. I don’t every want to know him. I am worth way more than his cheap favor. He threw everything I ever tried to give him in my face with disgust. With his actions, I understand how careful I must be from this moment on. Some people that have lived in such chaos and darkness and find a 10 dollar whore more worthy of his “favors ” than me…. they will never understand love and it will only bring such a pain for them that they must at all cost make me feel their agony. I knew what I had to offer him he could not handle. It is too real for deceit. That is the one real fear I have in the end. His deceit is so vast. He uses it on everyone for every situation. It has now begun to be very apperent that it should over into what he knows as his own truth. He confuses and contradicts himself so much that it confuses me. I don’t belive he knows absolute truth anymore and I notice that when faced with some questions it frustrates him to no end. That’s when he lashes out. He asked me to marry him one moment and in the next asked me if I really thought we would get married. He says he wants to be a good man then is so proud that he drove me away in such a way that he was able to witness the devastating pain that he caused… so much so that he giggles about it. I fear it may be too late and that God has handed him over to his desire. I wish I could’ve helped. I wish I could’ve protected him… but in the end, he made his final decision regarding this love given to me for him by God. He chose the whore and the dope. He chose flesh. He chose temporary fillers over truth and a happy home. I must now respect this decision and move on. I will not allow myself to ever be treated like that again. I only wanted good for him… he wants something else.