I sleep in until midday leaving hardly any of my day left. I have nothing to fill up my time anyways except watch videos on my phone. I feel pretty worthless. I know I need to just start up things to feel instantly better. For me I feel overwhelmed then I go back to a state of being underwhelmed. I wish I could just be in a middle stable ground rather than so up and down. I don’t know how I am going to handle full time work when I will be forced to in order to survive. I feel like I’m too dumb to even be in the degree I’m in. God help me when I get in a job for it.
So today I literally did nothing. I applied to some jobs to fill out my time this break. At least I will be earning money instead of sitting around like a vegetable. I actually want to be forced to just get out and experience at least something. Most people my age are going away or going to festivals, living their lives. Why do I feel like I don’t deserve to enjoy myself? I’ve come to realise I am like the only one who cares so much about what others think. Everyone else seems to be able to get on and not have a care. Our actions are usually motivated by our desire to avoid pain and seek pleasure. Being caught up in what others think of you causes pain. So I think some people can easily choose not to give a shit because its the better option. Maybe it isn’t that easy for me to do the same because I don’t value myself enough to think I deserve to not feel so trapped in my fears amd insecurities. I think I am mostlylike this because of the emotional abuse I have endured. My mother blamed her mental illness on all of us. I suppose it instilled this mindset of inadequacy within me. I know I would truly benefit from therapy. Just to deal with the pain.
I feel so silly. I couldn’t even go walk my dog today. When cars drive past I fear being cat called. It has happened a few times before. It’s because they sense my fear. I think so irrationally so much so that I can’t even enjoy a peaceful walk. How on earth can I live fully if I can’t even manage the simplest of tasks at times??
I’ve been a pretty cautious person for as far back as I can remember. I fear failing. So I hardly take risks or follow my desires. I usually feel like engaging in self destructive behaviour when I feel down on myself. For example, drinking, over eating, engaging in meaningless sex to feel something. I don’t even binge drink though. I don’t want to get into that. I only have like 1/2 a shot. That’s all it takes to calm me down a bit. Put me in a state of numb. And as for over eating, I do that quite a lot. The meaningless sex has only happened twice.
I am quite self concious. I will never be skinny but unfortunately I think being skinny is the only way I will worthy of love. Just months ago I was exercising lots and restricting. I have been a bit weird around food ever since 12. I don’t feel attractive now unless I have makeup on and my hair down. I went on a tinder date during this time. 3 in a week actually. Thought it would be fun. My friend was into it for a bit. She skinny and gets lots of guy attention. Anyways, on all three dates I had to be this better version of me. I dressed up and did the whole works of hair and make up. I feel I could write more about this period because it was from this period until now that I have been feeling rather down. So if you wanna hear about that I’m going to write about it in my next entry. See ya there…