Broad is the path of destruction

Today was average except I did get to spend the morning with my kids. I had them with me longer than expected and had oodles of fun with them. Laughter, tears, food and movies. The cold really puts a damper on activities. I had my cry on the way back knowing that I won’t see them for almost 2 weeks. I guess that is the price that we have to pay for our sins. Lord knows that I have a laundry list of bad things that I have done. I made the best woman in the world fall out of love with me. To the point that she doesn’t even miss me. It doesn’t matter if it is my fault or not. Missing your family is just that. I was often told that the path of destruction was broad and that the path to heaven was narrow. I never really gave a lot of thought into it because I was living in the middle of chaos. It is not as easy to evaluate your life when you are looking at it from the eye of the storm. It is easy to look at someone’s life from the outside and pick apart everything that they are doing wrong. We all do it. We all have thrown stones when in fact it could very well be our neck on the chopping block. I also never fully grasped the severity of alcohol abuse. Ya, I would hear of families being broken up over it. I’ve seen the memes. I’ve heard the lectures from my parents. I’ve seen the tears on my wifes cheek. But I never thought that it would happen to me. We are all predisposed to certain things. Mine happened to be wanting to escape by the use of alcohol. When you have anxiety or depression you long for a temporary relief. But many times it only compounded the original grievances. I wasn’t “playing” her on purpose. Looking at it from a neutral perspective……. it may seem so. By “playing” I mean acting dumb and them begging for forgiveness. It is no secret that I am crushed beyond words. I beg God to let me fall asleep and never wake up. I would trade places with anyone who has a beautiful life ahead of them. For instance, the bride who had cancer and died 18 hours after getting married. That, my friend, is beautiful to me. My life is not beauty. It is dark misery that follows me even into my dreams. She said that she is done with me. She said that there is no chance of reconciliation. Only a fool would hope for that minuscule chance of redemption. I can’t take anything back. I can’t wipe her memory clean. I believe that she is at the point where she would go back in time and erase my existence. That is a tough pill to swallow. My options are to live in denial or accept her decision. Oh ya, I have thought of 1001 ways to humble myself before her. I have tried. I have tried to maintain the high road and be patient. I do not want to be one of those people who smear their ex. I can’t say I love her in one breath and then speak ill of her in another breath. She has said many times that I do not love her because of my actions. She has the right to feel however she wants. I’ll be receiving divorce papers here very soon. I am rattled to the core. God, take this from me. I know that I have to pay the piper…….. but none of us ever want to. This is a lifetime sentence to be separated from my family and beautiful bride. I would rather have to face the gallows than to stand in a courtroom while she asks a judge to undo our vows. I know that millions of people have endured this but it doesn’t ease the pain. I don’t even know what I should pray anymore. I have been firmly believing for a change of her heart but I know that she had already prayed for release from me. Once again, I am stuck between doing the noble thing….. and doing the normality of giving up. I always thought that a man fighting for his family was nothing short of awesomeness. Maybe we are all polluted in our thinking. Good night to all of you beautiful souls.

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