It’s The Fear/Russian Roulette

I feel like the worst person of all time and like everything is just crashing down around me, I feel like I’m just sitting lost and alone in the ruins of my life. I NEED to focus and stop feeling so sorry for myself, I have to stop because if I am not ok Harry won’t be ok. I am doing what is needed for him and more, there’s no doubt about that but I can’t risk and I can’t financially afford for mental health to plummet any further. I am on the brink of utter catastrophe and I am this close to just taking a proper full blown overdose, not just small ones of my parents sleeping tablets every single night. I do it because I long to feel some sort of peace and comfort, like there is nothing weighing on my mind, I just don’t care about anything and I can relax. I need to stand up against myself and be stronger, or I’ll forever be at the mercy of the power my dad has of making me feel tiny because he owns the house me and my son live in. I won’t ever have a place of my own if I don’t become stronger and keep my mental health under control. I have seriously considered making a GP appointment but what could they do really? Just increase my Mirtazapine back up to 45mg? I don’t know.

I had to go to Asdas today and spent £100 on very basic clothing because none of my trousers or pyjamas fit me any more I’ve lost so much weight. I know I was trying to just lose a kilo or two from the stomach but in the process my mental health as crashed and now I don’t even want to eat, I don’t care if I’m hungry I honestly don’t care and I can’t be bothered to eat. I can’t waste any more money…all the stuff I bought weeks back I have since given to charity, I’m giving away bags and bags full. I can’t seem to experience any happy medium. I eat too much or too little, buy too much then give everything and more away, I need to focus on my son. I need to stop this depressed teenage behaviour and step up. I need to focus, please Rogue just focus. Harry needs me.

Everything feels so dire…I’m so selfish. I need help but who from? I don’t want to go to a GP, I am terrified. My anxiety has been awful now too, I get a feeling of dread all the time. I’m scared for Harry. I want us to be ok. I need to get a grip and keep going, I need to repair the damage of the last few weeks, I NEED TO. Please… 🙁

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