How it feels when I live alone

If you’re reading this journal then I suggest you just skimmed through it. I don’t know how to write a good story so don’t bother if you don’t want to.

Since I was a toddler I asked myself if living alone would be an epic way of living. I didn’t have to listen to my parents telling when I have to eat or bathe, clean my room, run errands for them and the list goes on. This was the thought I had until I graduated high school. I was influence to live alone because I watched too many anime(s) where the protagonist and their friends lived independently at some point they had part-time jobs. “How wonderful” I thought. It was.. until I was tested until now.

I started living alone when I applied STPM education for 1 1/2 year. STPM is Malaysian Higher School where students apply as a shortcut to further their studies for degree. that’s how short I can explain, the rest well google it. During those 1 1/2 year until today as I am writing this I am living alone. before that I’d like to clarify I have an elder sister who comes back home every week on weekends but I’m left to alone on weekdays. The first semester hit me hard. I didn’t know most of the students and there’s only few peers that I know from school. We’re good friends but most of them got second invitation from another college later on so there’s only 4 of us left from the same school and we’re all in different classes. During my first semester I didn’t make any friends outside my classroom or even with my classmates. It was because I was born introverted and most of the day I spent either drawing or sleep when I had the chance. I indulge in my own world and didn’t care for others and spent rest of the day alone in my seat. I voiced out when I needed to that’s all. I was observant of my classmates behaviour and attitude. It kind of hit them by surprise when they asked for my view on them. It felt good.

I didn’t have my driving license yet during my first semester because I’m still under training at that time so I had to walk 2 km everyday from my train station to my home and the journey always left me exhausted because I had to walk on two very steep hills. I was always the first person to leave school grounds the moment the ring bells and that’s my reason to why I don’t hang out after school.

When I got home, no one was there to greet me. Just my cats. I was left to cook  my own breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had nobody to converse with. I had no one to vent to or express my feelings to. I have no friends where I lived. Pay the monthly bills, feed the cats, Get up own my own.. the list goes on.  My only source of joy was Adventure time  (mostly) and Anime.  I went through the whole 3 semester with depression and moderate madness. I still don’t know I manage to keep those under control. When you live alone these are one of the conditions you have to prepared to actually live alone. What happens when there’s technical difficulties when you’re left to  solve own your own after all those years of having your parents take care of it? It’s difficult to maintain everything in order.

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When I reached 10th grade my close peers transferred to more competitive school. I literally.. let me bold that.. Literally!! have 2-3 close friends and they all transferred. most of my batch was just considered acquaintances. I was left entirely alone until I got to know there are few of my batch had common interest and I spent my days until graduation with them. we’re all in different course of education but eat together during lunch time. In my class I spent most hours just sleeping and taking notes without engaging pep talk with the rest of the class unless it’s group work. there are certain days I felt so alone than I used to daily that I cried in class while I was sleeping in class (secretly) and at home. I didn’t think talking it out with anybody would help. That was my mindset. My parents is religious and quite conservative so I know if I talk about my feelings they’ll just tell me what I’d already know and tried. As a growing adolescent I appreciate my parents advise but I need something concrete and that would actually motivate me to live on. I’m not saying liberal ways are better than religion way but that are things we can learn from different perspective and opinions if we actually try to live how each other goes through daily. That way we’ll understand more and appreciate more than hating.

When I had a bad day at school or at home, I know we all feel we had to scream and swear to our hearts content. Some people vent to their families, some share their story to their friends. Whereas I scream on my pillow until I’m satisfied. Like I said, I have no one to express my inner feelings too well maybe this journal I just found lol then yes this is my first time writing something online.

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When you’re alone and living alone you’ll begin to desire companionship. If you’re saying “But you have cats. that should be enough.” well wrong. Those cats aren’t mine. they’re mine sibling’s and mom’s. I just had to reluctantly be the caretakers when they’re abroad and at uni. can you imagine right now how irritate I am when someone else responsibility suddenly falls on my shoulder by default where’s there no place for me to fight for my rights? As I was saying companionship. Maybe living alone might be too hard so you decided to get a roommate. Simultaneously you want to cherish your alone time. two of those arguments are strong so you have hard time deciding. In my case, I’ve invited my STPM classmates to sleepover several times after I got close with them and I really cherish that moments with them. It taught me to cherish people more and appreciate their existence.

What kept me from having depressing thoughts and devilish attempt was keeping myself busy with different task whether it’s school or chores, etc. I had my own therapy which is drawing. It saved me. I took drawing seriously after I graduated high school and started it as a hobby. Later then it became my daily remedy to maintain my depression and madness scale during STPM until now. Since then I gradually improved my art style and still doing it up until now. 

Living alone isn’t all bad if you know how to utilise it. Sometimes living alone helps you  re-configure your purpose of existence and see the world differently if you try hard enough to spot it. Trust me I know. This doesn’t solely entail on just being alone or living alone. If you just take a step back from everything hopefully you’ll see it. I hope you do.

Living alone teaches you the hardship of living independently. If you know your neighbours and have friends nearby , let them come over so you won’t be lonely. Companionship is wonderful when you learnt the hard way. Plus having neighbours advanntages you when you need help.

Unlike me, I don’t even know my neighbours. Plus the kids around the block are kids and moms so… NO. thanks for reading this crappy journal.

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