So lately I have been in a funk. I’ve been feeling pretty worthless. My limitations and the unfairness I perceive in the world has seemed to be my main focus. I’ve been questioning my own mental health because I have never felt so down for so long. I guess I’ve been extra critical of myself. I’ve been feeling sorry for myself because of what had happened to me in the past and how it has, I believe, stolen away opportunities. I think had these things not happened to me I could have been a better person. I find myself in a position where I feel quite lonely. But even when I did have more friends back in early high school, I didn’t even appreciate them. I quickly found and focused on their flaws, pushed them away and rejected them. Sometimes I just found them to be irritating or annoying. If they thought too differently to me or did small things to annoy me, I instantly thought I was too good for them. I now realise that it was a protective thing. As I was so insecure, I rejected them first. It gave me a sense of power. So now that I am left with little friends, and I believe friends can open up so many doors and experiences in life, I feel pathetic and sad. Its the holidays right now and as a university student its 3 months long. I currently am not working right now and I’m not even going away because I have no one to go with and I’m reluctant to spend a tonne of money. Sometimes I wish I could just take a risk and be spontaneous and just travel on my own. I always discourage myself thinking things like “oh it’s too much to think about to travel like where to live, where to go, food etc”. I guess I’m just a scaredy cat. Usually it takes me to feel super down to push me to do something exciting. I wish I could be more emotionally stable. I just feel like a loser. Other people my age seem to be living their best lives having fun. I know I don’t want to stay in this sad place. I know the longer I allow myself to sit here and do nothing, the harder it will be to get out of and the more painful it will be to realise I have wasted my life. But then I think I’m being too priveledged and expecting to have an amazing life. Some people in this world don’t get to have amazing lives so why should I? I know its a silly thought. You’ll come to realise just how much I engage in unhelpful thinking once I write more entries. I think its justified given my life experience thus far. But then again I think I’m being pathetic for blaming how I am on what has happened to me rather than take responsibility. I’m trying to see life more realistically. I’m still so young so I tend to be foolish in my thinking. I hope I can come to accept my life and myself as is. I feel like its giving up on trying but I think its better than me feeling pressured in life to be this amazing person. Trust me, when I think this way I am much more awful type A person who thinks shes better than others. At least when I accept my loserishness I am a more humble understanding person. I find it super difficult to accept my limitations as for so long my beliefs of success have been warped. All my life I thought I would be this amazing person but as I experience more of life I see how I am far from it. My chilhood and teen ways of thinking are being disillusioned. Honestly, although its a tough pill to swallow, thank god I’m growing out of my ignorance.
I'm a 19 year old trying to come to terms with who I am and this world. It sucks. But its necessary. My mother has mental illnesses and was an alcoholic. She was domestically violent and caused lots of pain for my dad and sisters. So yeah I think that has fucked me up somewhat. Now that its more quiet (she's living at home with my sisters and I after an AVO- my dad is amazing and paying for her even after all the crap she has pulled and he is sadly not living with us) I am realising the repercussions of this experience on my current life views.