So yes I was saying how on these dates I felt I had to be this amazing self. I feel like the real me isn’t good enough. It feels good to pretend for a bit. To escape who I really am for a night. The first date I went on was quite good actually. We went for dinner and a movie and he was super kind and funny and a tad nerdy which I do love. I felt pretty good about my life during this time. I was working out and eating well and pushing myself to go on dates. Btw this was my first date ever. I will fill you guys in on my high school self later, you can safely assume I was quite sheltered. So back to the story. I liked him, he drove me home and it was a nice night. Later on that week I went on two other dates with different guys. I will tell you about them later too so stay tuned. So about two weeks later I went on a second date with the 2nd guy. I saw little things I didn’t likw about him like how he was uptight and stingy! I ended up paying for everything thag day! Food and the movies. So I guess I started to kinds close off just a tad. I actually ended up meeting my friend and her date that night and brought my date along. They had just become official. Its pretty typical for things to go swell for her whilst I’m in a not so great position. I wanted him to leave and just wanted to get mcdonalds with my friend and her bf who is a lovely person who I had met previously before. But he ended up joining us. Anyways, my date lives close to my friend so they hopped on the same bus and my friends now bf lives close to me so we went on the same bus. Basically I ended up crying to him on the bus. I guess I felt a bit bad. Mind you, this is the first dating expereince I’ve ever been through. So yes I didn’t know exactly why I was sad. Maybe a bir disappointed I didn’t like this guy. I got home late and talked to my friend on the phone. She said my date had told her he saw potential in me but said he can’t read me well. I felt like he was only blaming me for the date not going so well. I guess I do have that affect on people. I make them feel like they have something wrong with them when I don’t mean to. I end up closing off when I feel bad emotions like confused or insecure. I realised I was most upset about not being able to be open enough or myself. Looking back, I see I shouldn’t expect so much from myself so soon. Given the minimal relationship experience I have had. I knew that I clearly had to work on myself first and haven’t been on a date since. I have considered possibly going on some but only because I have been feeling bored and lonely. I ended up ghosting the few guys I was considering. Not because of them but because I feel that I am not ready to date and they will be expecting someone better. But I feel just rocking up and being myself will be good practise for self acceptance. I just need to take things slowly I guess. I always habe tried to hide my faults but I’m learning to be more honest about them to others. I have been too proud to do so in the past but I see how liberating it is. I end up feeling such pressure to be perfect when I pretend I’m so together so I’ve figured its best not to push myself so hard.
I'm a 19 year old trying to come to terms with who I am and this world. It sucks. But its necessary. My mother has mental illnesses and was an alcoholic. She was domestically violent and caused lots of pain for my dad and sisters. So yeah I think that has fucked me up somewhat. Now that its more quiet (she's living at home with my sisters and I after an AVO- my dad is amazing and paying for her even after all the crap she has pulled and he is sadly not living with us) I am realising the repercussions of this experience on my current life views.