So it’s his birthday

So, I have decided that this year I am going to start keeping a journal of basically the good the bad and the ugly.  I am not the most literate person and I don’t think this will be very exciting but for me, it gives me an outlet.  

Lately, I have been very stressed out I guess, a lot going on in my head.  Sometimes I feel like I should seek counseling but I am hoping this will be far more therapeutic.

So today, Is, in fact, my littlest brothers 18th birthday and of course I have wished him a happy birthday but he won’t know that as my mother will keep that her little secret.  I haven’t seen my baby brother since the last day of November 2008 which makes my heart hurt a lot.  I practically raised him as my mother is an alcoholic, an abusive one at that – well shes abusive sober or drunk but she also is very self-obsessed and couldn’t give a crap about anyone else’s well being except her own.  

So the last time I saw him he was 8 and as far as he’s concerned I was a troubled teenager who ran away from home and broke my mother’s heart putting her through the crap.  Also, I’m to blame for my other brother who is 11 months younger than me following me a year later to move down our fathers.  I do love my brothers but I can’t talk to my brother A about this as it upsets him as he hates our mother and considers her dead and I’m sure everyone else just feels like its a stuck record, but the only contact I have ever had with my baby brother M is through my mother and I hate that I have to speak to her via email but I know the moment that I don’t she will show him that she tried to reach out and offer me seeing him but I didn’t reply, which is why I always reply but he will never know.

My brother A, thinks that if our youngest brother is stupid enough to live there than thats his own problem but he doesn’t have a dad to run away too.  His dads a goraphobic who can’t leave the house and basically if my mums drunk and passed out that works for him, so who exactly is he supposed to run away too? I have searched for him online, nothing.  I have searched for him on a bunch of social media or even through friends but she always finds a way to cut contact.  Also not to be sexist but hes a guy and probably doesn’t care about his big sister he hasn’t seen in 10 years so he is probably not looking for me.  I just hope that one day we will be able to see each other again and I can tell him that I always asked about him and begged to see him, I just wasn’t allowed…. ever!  As thats how our mother keeps control, the 2 times I did meet up with her was basically because she told me my littlest brother would be there but she just backed me into a corner.  Maybe I am over thinking this, maybe he really is happy and is plodding along with his life or maybe my mothers only problem really was because I was a girl. I hope that’s true but It would mean the world to me to know this.  I just want to know that he is ok, happy and well. If he wasn’t I would do everything I could to help him be that way. 

Anyway, its raining hard which I love, So I am going to sit by my window with a cup of tea and listen to the sound of nature because that’s what I like to do.

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