K, I lied. It’s been one hell of a start to the new year.

What is up with some people? What the hell is their problem? It’s like some of them made a resolution to turn into Satan’s wrinkly asshole disguised as “standing up for themselves.” They’re misconstruing productive confrontations as false accusations and misinformed assumptions. Shit’s fucking rotten, man. Kills all the good vibes.

On the first day of the year, one of my long-term friend went off on me about my (allegedly) inappropriate behavior around his homies at his house party, how I (allegedly) have ulterior motives, and how I can’t nor won’t “get away with that shit.” He wrote a novel of a rant just grossly attacking and unfairly misjudging my character. Guys, literally all I did was be friendly and play video games and make nice conversations. 

Image result for confused black girl

This is why girls are such BITCHES against the guys. If we’re friendly, we have ulterior motives. If we’re mean, we’re bitches. We can’t fucking win, ladies. 

Yesterday, I went over to my pops place after work because he said he wanted to look at the key fob for my car (he actually managed to fix my car!! although reliability is highly questionable..but it does get me to and from work). When I got there, my extrasensory perception was FIRING OFF, like Lotus, get the FUCK OUT of that house, but I went against my gut instinct and stayed there like that dumbass main character in the movie Get Out. 

And boy, did I fucking pay for that wrong decision. 

Back in the days when I was young and didn’t have a choice but to live with my family, my stepmom did this thing where she wouldn’t feed me for days at a time. She played this game where she would keep me guessing on whether she’ll make food for me or not, and if I assumed she was going to feed me, I usually ended up looking stupid. She did this last night. She was cooking, but made no hints that it was for me, until pops came to the kitchen and told me to eat. God, I don’t know how else to describe that situation.

While we were eating, I was trying to clear the bad air in the house by making small talks, and pops gave me a stanky look and an attitude. Geez, SOR-RY for trying. Then we talked about the car and he told me, “don’t expect me to fix everything on that car. It’s just going to be one problem after another. And once the pistons blow, that’s it, your car is just going to be junk. Can’t fix that.” So I asked if I should think about selling the car now? Or trade it in?

Now here’s the he-said-I-said part that blew out of proportion. You guys ready?

He said it was up to me. I said I don’t know anything about cars so that’s why I’m asking for his opinion. He said he doesn’t know what to do. So then I was like okay maybe we should sell it. Then he was like, okay so I guess I don’t have to stress about it anymore; I will refund the camshaft. I said okay, how much should I be getting for the car? He said, how are you going to sell the car like this? It should be $5K if it’s all fixed and you won’t even sell it for $2K, if even that. I said okay then what should I do? Trade it in? He said, so I put in all that work and effort into fixing your car for nothing then? I said okay then do you think we should keep fixing it? 

IT WAS BACK AND FORTH LIKE THAT. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WANTED ME TO DO WITH IT. 

We both lost our temper and I walked out on him because I was having an emotional/mental breakdown and didn’t want to further escalate the volatile situation. I ended up calling my mom and being ugly on the phone in every way. Eventually I had her talk to pops for me because “him and I aren’t communicating well right now.” 

Anyway, in the end, my mom said I should keep the car for now and let my pops try to replace the camshaft in the spring. That I should apologize to my dad. So I did. Because I’m always fulfilling the role of being the bigger person. I apologized, and left the house in the best term possible, given the circumstance. He asked me, “what was your point in coming here then?” I reminded him that he’s the one who wanted to look at the key fob. He said I came here for no reason. Whatever, okay, calm down Lotus. Nothing was okay, but I did my best to swallow my pride and repress the situation into my subconsciousness like I did for every abusive, black-and-blue episodes in my life.

On my way home, I screamed until all my demons clawed their way out and swirled around me. I screamed about my past, the present, and the future. I cursed and I yelled and I cried and I screamed some more until my throat was bloody raw. I kept it up nonstop the whole 35 minute drive. I thought about driving the car into a concrete traffic barrier, thinking everyone would finally be relieved to be rid of me. Then I thought about quitting school and going back to stripping full-time. That part actually made me laugh. I have some serious daddy issues, lmfao. I got home and did more of the same thing, crying and screaming in a pillow; it made my roommate worry. 

I finally settled down emotionally after talking it out with my roommate, then I went to sleep.

Today I can think slightly clearer now on what it is I need to do without all the emotions clouding my head. I put my phone in Do Not Disturb mode, deleted my dad and my stepmom off my Favorite contacts list so that they can’t bypass the setting, and I deleted both their message threads as well as the family group thread.

Looks like I need to maneuver through this new year. Tread very carefully; every move with intention.

Are you guys having a hellish start to the new year, too? Come on, I know I’m not the only one. Some people, man, they just bring out the worst in you, smdh.

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