Day 13 January 3,2018

Well today’s Reds visitation at the jail and Hannah went in there with G I stayed in the lobby but I could see him through the glass window in the door as they were coming out and he looks like death. He had on an orange jumpsuit and his hair was all over and his beard was sticking up in 10 different directions. He looks like a mad man. He is refusing to go to a mental hospital and get help. He is absolutely refusing. So he will sit in jail until the 25th of January. He needs to be involuntarily commuted. He needs help bad. He is schizophrenic but of course he doesn’t see it. He didn’t even ask about me. He gives no shits about me. I’m the dumb ass that still loves him and still suffering. I had another nightmare last night and dreamed he came to my door with no shirt on and had a baseball bat and I was freaking out having a panic attack. I never had panic attacks or was as scared of him as I am now. I don’t know why but just the thought of him makes me start panicking. I’m so scared the judge will allow him to come back home!!! After I finally got him out. I can’t do it I can not live with him again. I’m so scared all the time. I think I have ptsd now.  I went and got my nails done today and ate at firehouse subs with Hannah. My court date is Friday and I’m terrified. What if they won’t give me the order of protection?? I have pics of the abuse and I have voice recordings of him abusing me threatening to abuse me and kill me. 

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