So didn’t do anything again today. I know I’ve probably been feeling so low for so long as I was addicted to looking at all the ways life works against me. It’s silly to just mope and not try to do things about it BUT it’s good to just allow yourself to feel down. I feel in this society it’s so easy to just feel so pressured to keep going and be great all the time. I’ve experienced my first longer term period of being in a bad place. I guess all the problems I came across just all got too much. Maybe it’s a good thing to be in a quiet period right now. But I don’t like staying there for long. I hate feeling like I’m not living. I only need to do something small like meet up with a friend to start feeling good again. I guess I take these small things for granted during busier times in my life when I’m studying and working and always reach a point of feeling apathetic about life and bored. It’s good though because I’m realising its okay to have times of withdrawal. In this world we can expect to just have it all and feel awful if we feel like we are not doing something we are supposed to like travelling, hanging out with lots of people etc. I don’t want to put that kind of pressure on myself. I just want to take things slowly and not be so turbulent with my emotions. Like feel like I’m always not doing something I should be. It’s normal to not always have amazing things going on in your life. One of my closest friends is quite restless. She kinda thinks this way so it makes me feel bad when things that are exciting arn’t happening for me. I feel quite pathetic. She can be quite judgy but she’s quiet about it so I feel silently judged by her but she doesn’t know this. Anyways I’m more accepting of friends and their flaws because in thw past I have been way too critical of friends and rejected them and ended up feeling lonely. I can’t just blame others for me not having a good time. I’m hopefull that I will meet more amazing people out there and really appreciate them as they are so rare to come by. I think I alwayd think so unrealistically. Like I see other people with friends and they look so happy but I think at times everyone just gets used to what they have in their life like good friends and don’t appreciate it enough. I guess I just find it hard sometimes to connect with others because I can be so doom and gloom and it leaves me all lonely and sad.
I'm a 19 year old trying to come to terms with who I am and this world. It sucks. But its necessary. My mother has mental illnesses and was an alcoholic. She was domestically violent and caused lots of pain for my dad and sisters. So yeah I think that has fucked me up somewhat. Now that its more quiet (she's living at home with my sisters and I after an AVO- my dad is amazing and paying for her even after all the crap she has pulled and he is sadly not living with us) I am realising the repercussions of this experience on my current life views.