Lots have changed in the past few months. I went to WA for 3 months, went on a cross-country road trip by myself in hopes of discovering some sort of enlightenment (spoiler alert: I didn’t), and have now been living with my parents for the past month. It’s been a stark contrast to the style I had been living previously on the organic farm. Everything was fresh. Little packaging. I felt like I was aiding the world in saving it in some way by learning about alternative methods of living besides the antiquated notion of living with convenience. True, I had to remember more, but then I was using other ways of living that I knew were not hurting anyone.
Living here there is so much waste I have noticed. The packaging containers. The plastic wrap. The food that is constantly thrown out. I look aghast at how wasteful my mother is. But I can’t say anything because she will end up simply coming up with some reason to her own actions and keep doing it. Which will then mean that I will have to keep healing her mistakes as I see them… and I simply detest it.
I don’t know how much longer I can stay here with them that is not aligned with my own lifestyle. I have to keep to myself, and my dad keeps assuring me that something will come alive soon in response to our farm, but we are “still in negotiations”. I have doubts. Serious doubts. So much so that I’ve enrolled in an online course to get started on becoming a computer programmer. Yeah, kind of the opposite direction in response to my own farming desires, but that way I have a backup. And on top of that, I have already been invited to teach in China for another school. I have backup plans that of course I don’t want to tell my father because I’ll be saying to him, “I don’t believe in you.” That is the last thing he needs to hear right now, as my being with him alongside the farm is — I feel — like the only thing giving him at least a little hope in his life. My parents’ marriage, I’ve noticed, is not well. They should get divorced… but neither one of them seems to be doing anything about that. My mother won’t say anything regarding it, pretending everything is alright, and my father… well… he’s got some other issues that he needs to deal with first before he can do anything about his marital situation. I am operating under the suspicion that both of them are seeing other people but either they don’t want me to know about it because neither one of them realizes it or because they think it’ll damage my poor little fragile mind. Please, I have been in relationships with married couples. I’ve been with polyamorous people. Whatever you think will damage me will only have me see the truth, which is what you are and I’ll accept you for it. Hell, might even forge a new relationship with one another. But that right there is a fantasy. Not going to happen.
I feel myself slipping due to my own lack of courage to be myself, to incorporate those things that make me happy and to speak not of my own desires, of my own anxieties or anything regarding my possible true self. I do indeed would like to pursue my own farm and become self-sufficient but he wants to go another route — the conventional farming route. I want to be more organic, using other means and not so many poisons on the food. With plastic that can’t be reused. Every time I bring up using these methods, but we end up in getting into more arguments than not. I know I should just say what I want and if we can’t do that then I’m leaving. But there’s another part of me that needs my father’s knowledge. My teacher in WA even said that to run a farm by yourself without help is damn near impossible. You’ll burn out. You won’t make much money for the first few years, and you’re going to need help. I thought maybe I can do these conventional methods for a little while, get the capital I need, then cut and run to do my own thing. I hate to be so clandestine about my own desires, but what else can I do? I’m almost 30 with not remotely enough money to buy my own land and start like that. Do I really want the amount of a loan over my head? Can I even pretend to start paying off a Mortgage, even? Where would I even buy land? And then living arrangments? Water? Food? How do we answer all of these questions? What about my desire to reno and redo shipping containers to live out of? What about my desire of being a key figure in a community where everyone shares a basic tenant of living?!
All I can think about is being safe and secure. But would going off on my own lead me down a path of misfortune or would it land me on the good side of fortune this time around? I have to admit my own fears disturb me greatly, and with all these questions that have no answers, I’m not sure what I can do. My only question is would going out on my own without a resource be stupid? I’m thinking the wise thing to do would be to stick along and learn as much as I can before leaving. I have little experience. Maybe seeing more into conventional farming methods could show me more about it that I could write about later. How else could I get more of an insider look than by actually doing just that? I’ve already said I want nothing more than a few acres of conventional farming (because I would like to work on my own farm with my own plants… with a herd of goats. Cute ass little goats). I’m not sure how I can continue to blur the lines between all this and make sure everyone gets something out of this, but the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to think of my own uncertainty.