Frozen By The Sun

Weight this morning: 48.1kg

Things just get worse & worse, but I’m surviving and Harry is happy and I’m keeping up with all his routines. My weight is dropping and I’m not even trying to lose weight anymore I’ve dropped much lower than I intended. I’ve always been the one who simply doesn’t eat when they are not happy at all and that’s when the weight drops fastest…when I’m so depressed and I am not interested in eating. I’ve been like this since I was 10 years old. Secret: I’ve actually struggled with my mental health since I was 8 years old. Maybe I got it from my dad, who knows really. But I remember I was struggling with anxiety aged 10 and my dad was struggling with his weight too, I remember him obsessively weighing himself certainly by the time I was 11 and I remember him being difficult at the dinner table, wiping all the butter off his bread or potato thinking no one had noticed. I found a book in our house on Anorexia but my dad insisted at the time that it wasn’t an eating disorder. Anyway because of anxiety, I found I couldn’t eat and ever since I’ve had a tendency to be too skinny sometimes and have no interest in eating. I have no interest in eating now.

I have no interest in other things either. When I have time to myself from Harry when he’s with his dad or he’s in nursery I find I can’t do the things I’d usually like to do to relax. I just can’t relax and I don’t even know why. I try to watch a film but only watch half way through and find I can’t carry on. I catch myself just sitting and staring into space with my mind racing or I’m just walking about in circles with my room. I feel really lost. Even though I had Harry I guess I should have known it would be a matter of time before my past and strained family life would start catching up with me. I feel like a failure because I was sectioned when I should have been going to nursery. I was so full of promise and had so much ability and I’ve wasted it all on being so fucked up and getting myself sectioned in hospital. How could I have let myself get so out of control back then? I wish I had my own house, I wish I had a job, I wish was earning my own money for me & Harry through hard work rather than benefits through illness. Which reminds me I’ve been called up to one of the benefit reviews. I hate these reviews because they have the same questions for both physical and mental health issues, both types of illnesses are so different. I find the questions hard to answer because I am fully mobile and able bodied so I can do everything but on days where my mental health is bad I feel like I can’t do anything.

I drove Harry to nursery earlier and it’s only here in the village but my mind is so weird at the moment I passed his nursery completely and had to park in a really awkward place. I only did that because someone else had already parked in the awkward place so I parked behind this vehicle as that was causing a bit of an obstruction anyway. It doesn’t take long to take Harry into the nursery anyway. It’s scary though how distracted my mind was…when you’re driving you really do need full concentration.

I’m a monster and a failure but I am surviving. So I will not see a GP…I can’t risk it. I’ll be okay, surely I’ll come out of all of this soon. I’m just feeling lost and alone…my parents cannot help me with my mental health anymore…they are too unwell…I need to find a way to get out of my situation and get me & Harry our own place. I need some patience and more strength.

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