JANUARY 4TH, 2017

Today was our first day back from winter break and already the teachers are jumping down our throats about college. “You all should be preparing for auditions!” “Get those transcripts sent in!” “Apply for scholarships every day!” I get that we need to prepare ourselves, but JESUS, GIVE us a second. Everyone ever just got over the flu, and we’re still getting back into school life.

First block was Choir. As usual, we did nothing. Mr. Frond is always 20-minutes late to class and all he did was talk about musical auditions. For a musical we’re doing in two months. Last year’s musical auditions were in the fall semester, so we could learn our parts over the break, but this year he just kept on saying we’re gonna do them, and now we’re set to do them two weeks from now. So that gives us a month and a half to learn all of our lines, get blocking done (terrible since we have freshies and non-drama kids), get costumes (renaissance) in order, book a place to perform, find someone to cater meals, and do set design. The musical is always fun, but even with this being my senior year, it probably would have been better to just skip it this year with all of the setbacks.

I remember at last year’s musical, I played the Court Jester while Dillard played the King. There was this one scene at the beginning where I was supposed to interrupt a spiel he was giving, but he always forgot, and completely bulldozed over my line. So, when he did it the last rehearsal before showtime, I decided to just let him take the line and spare us the few moments where we bumbled around with our words.

So, the show began and it was all going well, until we got to that line. I think he said, “…but as it so happens, I managed to find my own entertainment whilst on the hunt this afternoon, in-“, and I’m SUPPOSED to say, “Oh? Something more entertaining than I, my Lord?” But I didn’t. I kept my mouth shut, and waited for him to continue on as he always does.

Silence.

He turned his head to face me, and we locked eyes. The expression on his face told me everything. Clearly, he had done precisely what I did, and decided to give ME my line. We honestly should have spoken before the performance, but instead, we got three solid seconds of awkward silence where SOMEONE’S line should be. Finally, he turned his head back and continued. We never again spoke of that moment.

I sure miss Dillard.

Well, anyways, second block was Honors English, with my most favorite teacher ever, Mr. Canter. I had him for English 9 and it was honestly the best fun in a core class I’d ever had. We had a lot of fun with ice breakers and the lot, and the class would be perfect if not for one thing.

I had a best friend from freshman to sophomore year, Dana, but we had a fight because she started drifting away from me, and I was trying to get her to just tell me she didn’t want to be friends and not to drag it out because I was feeling abandoned. She told me that she herself felt abandoned because her father had died a month prior, and I couldn’t provide the comfort she needed. I’ve always felt uncomfortable dealing with other people’s sorrows, so even though I mourned her father, too, since I was his favorite of Dana’s friends and I appreciated his friendliness towards me, the most I could do for her was offer my condolences. We ended up getting into a big spat, and she told me she didn’t want to speak to me anymore, and aside from occasions where we had to talk, she didn’t, and I stopped trying.

For a while, I felt resentment towards her. I started recalling moments in our friendship where she hadn’t been very kind to me; her telling me she hoped someone else would beat me for a trip competition just so she didn’t have to deal with him anymore, her telling me my boyfriend (one of her friends originally) probably didn’t actually like me, and other moments. Of course, I, too had been unkind to her before. I was really self-centered for a while. She would tell me she was going somewhere with some friends and I would get upset over her not always inviting me, and I told her her boyfriend was no good. He ended up not being a very good person in the end, but I could have been nicer to her.

After all this time, however, I stopped hating her and just started forgetting about her. I was just uncomfortable around her, at the most. But now, in second block Honors English, she chose to sit directly behind me.

At first I didn’t notice. I was listening to music up until the bell rang. I knew someone had passed me for the seat, I just didn’t see who. Then, I still didn’t know until her name was called for roll, and I completely froze. At the time she came in, there were plenty of seats around the class available, so it felt like an active decision to sit so near to me. Though Mr. Canter was fun as always, I felt uneasy with her so close, and I basically ignored her the whole time.

At lunch, my friend Sweeney told me that Dana sometimes forgives people without telling them. They had gotten into a fight, too, and he thought she hated him until about half a year later, when she saw him in Smash Club and excitedly got into a conversation with him, no mention of their vicious fight. He told me that Dana might want to be friends with me again, but since I’ve been actively avoiding her, she might not know how, and it’s essentially up to me to either reconnect or let it go.

I know that the “right” thing to do, that he implied I should do, is talk to her. But honestly, I don’t think I could hang around with Dana and not constantly be thinking about all the terrible things we said to each other. Being on speaking terms with her again might just worry me endlessly about what I should and shouldn’t say to her. Should I apologize? Should I pretend it never happened? I don’t know. Sometimes, the best thing is not to know, I think. Saves you the potential pain of knowing.

Third block was band. All we did was cleaning. Not difficult, not exciting.

Fourth block was drama. Loads of fun. More icebreakers and plans for more tomorrow.

I also got my Gov book for online Gov. We get four assignments every Sunday to email in completed by the next Sunday, so that should be a breeze.

A slight failing, I cheated on my diet, big time. I’m doing ketosis, so low to no carbs. I dropped from 207 lbs to 197 lbs in one week on it, combined with my workouts, so I’m pretty disappointed I didn’t stick well today. It’s easy to plan all your meals out at home, but school lunches are never low carb, even the salads, somehow, and the lowest I could go was 30 grams. For reference, ketosis requires less than 20 grams for a continuous period of time. I would bring lunch, except that we aren’t allowed in the halls during the period, so I would never be able to retrieve it. I’ve got to find some way to stay on track, even if it means skipping the meal altogether and sticking to straight tea, enjoying a large dinner in the evening.

On top of the lunch cheat, I got home and tried a sip of some sugarless pink lemonade. It was still really sweet, and left me wanting more sugar. So I binged on Christmas cookies, bringing me up to about 155 grams of carbs. I felt so gross and pathetic. I’ve completely destroyed my keto process and now I have to start the cycle all over again. This is what hell is.

I saw Grayden in fourth block. He’s such a good actor and high key extremely attractive. One of my friends tried to persuade him to ask me out once, but that was sophomore year, and he didn’t know who I was. Now he does, but I don’t think he remembers that happening, because he has never brought it up again, and doesn’t treat me any different from his other friends. Boy, if I could get into his inner circle, I might have a chance.

He hangs out with Xavier, Katie, Sally, Jordan, Jacob, and Tina.  Xavier has been the sweetest soul for as long as I’ve known him, but he and Katie have been committed to each other since middle school. Katie works at a cinema. That’s all I know about her. Jordan seems really cool and very considerate but I don’t know him very well. Jacob Reel dies in their competition piece, so he’s very popular. Tina is my closest friend in that group. She calls me “supporter of the arts” because I’ve been to every production drama has ever done, and I joined choir because of a concert I went to. I sat with them once. It was a pity invite after my usual table got taken over, but they have a lot of fun. I’m really introverted so I didn’t say much in their group, and they kept apologizing to me whenever the topics turned raunchy, but it was still fun just to be there. If I was there all the time, I could get close enough to Grayden to MAYBE have a shot.

I think that’s all for today. I have no homework. Just scholarships.

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