I went out today for work. Sometimes when I’m out I can’t wait to just get back home where I can hide from any possible threats like people and their judgments (which I am sensitive to). I hate thinking like this. Sure it’s a given, I love the comfort of my own home but conversely I hate not doing anything and hiding away for too long as it makes me feel bad and solves nothing. During uni time I am forced to go out and I have work too so on my days off I enjoyed not doing anything as I felt it balanced out things. But when I have absolutely no committments I feel so sad. So today for work (I take out this girl with an intellectual disbaility usually somewhere in the city) I took my client to the city. I feel I can be so quiet and boring for her. Sometimes I can be so internal, wallowing in my thoughts. I can’t even focus on enjoying myself and enjoying having conversations because I’m too busy looking around fearing what others are thinking of me. I have the ability to just be calm and ignore these thoughts, usually because I get so fed up with caring about it, but it takes a great deal of effort. It feels good when I successfully challenge my social anxiety (I am not sure if I do have social anxiety as I feel what I have read online paints it as more extreme than what I have like racing heart and its really difficult to stop social anxiety symptoms where as I can control it if I try hard but I definitely have some issues socially like feelings of discomfort in public but I put it down to being insecure and overall an anxious and cautious person- thoughts on this are welcome please 🙂 ). Anyways whenever I do go out I feel good afterwards when I get home and can relax as I feel it was well deserved. I think going out and doing things serves as a distraction to my thoughts which overwhelm me when I am at home doing nothing. But as soon as I stop doing things as proven during this holiday period of misery I have been in, negative thoughts overwhelm me again! So is going out just a band aid covering up my emotions rather than a cure? I think so. I think if I just keep living then soon enough I will get used to things and be able to relax more in public. Ever since finishing high school 2 years ago I have become much more capable of getting around on my own and doing adult type stuff. In hs I got driven home from high school. I caught the bus to school but usually an overly early once to avoid people. A busy bus terrified me. Bascially I was sheltered by my dad as he did everything. I did do some social stuff but I have always been easily uncomfortable in public. But being with friends made me feel more protected. So I am proud of just how much I have learnt to do on my own. Like one of my friends from hs who I am seeing tomorrow rarely makes her own way to places and hasn’t been out at night without parents I’m pretty sure. And she hasn’t done certain teenage type stuff if you know what I mean. I did all that stuff in my first year after school finished playing catch up as I did none of that stuff in high school. I guess it made me feel more grown up but I don’t think it makes me better than more sheltered people because honestly it didnt change me it just gave me more experience and more open to things but I’m still lretty sensible. I get intimidated by some people my age who are such free spirits and seem so independent and emotionally stable. I don’t know why I am so careful and insecure but it really holds me back. I guess I’m just scared.
I'm a 19 year old trying to come to terms with who I am and this world. It sucks. But its necessary. My mother has mental illnesses and was an alcoholic. She was domestically violent and caused lots of pain for my dad and sisters. So yeah I think that has fucked me up somewhat. Now that its more quiet (she's living at home with my sisters and I after an AVO- my dad is amazing and paying for her even after all the crap she has pulled and he is sadly not living with us) I am realising the repercussions of this experience on my current life views.