I’m anxious about moving back home. I’m out and gay here in my town. Moving back home means moving back into the closet. Into hiding myself from my family. I’m feeling ashamed of myself again. I’m feeling maybe they’re right. Maybe it’s just an evil spirit that has taken too much of a liking in me and has decided to stay and corrupt my life. Keeping me from walking down God’s Path. I feel like I’m lying to myself if I try and like a guy or have sex with a guy or in even make out with a guy. Sometimes it’s nice sure, but it’s skin deep. I feel nothing warm when I’m in these positions. No excited nervousness, no sweaty palms, no butterflies in the stomach. Not a damn thing. When I’m with a girl it’s a complete 180. My heart races, my skin flushes, the nerves in my stomach are scrambling about and I feel like I can hear my heart pounding in my ears when a girl looks at me. Love songs pop into my head. All of those reactions and feelings for women are wrong in my parents eyes. In God’s eyes as they like to say. How can it be so wrong when it feels so right? So me? I feel wrong when I’m with a guy. I feel my skin crawl when he touches me. I get nervous in a fearful sense. I feel a bit hopeless. I have this feeling of impending doom. If they ever find out I know I’ll be cut off from them. Or they’ll try to help me. They’re so worried for my soul it makes me worry! I’m scared and I don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to hide.
I'm growing. With every entry. With everything I read. Obviously. Like everyone else. I"m selfish. I hate the word but I am. I try not to be. I've found this website to be a great emotional outlet for the few times that I've written on here. Enjoy the jumbled mess.