I’m not sure how it happened, really. I just know that I’ve come to a point where I just can’t do it. I’m so tired all the time and I feel so useless. I feel like I’ve let everyone down.
I don’t really know what to do anymore, as everything I’ve ever done to help isn’t working anymore. So much so that my job and my relationships are suffering for it. Everything I do seems to have such a major impact on my mind, even though it doesn’t seem like such a big deal to everyone else. I feel so sick with worry that everything is going to come crumbling down. A part of me wants it to so that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. I can just break down and move on. But I’ve worked so hard on this. I don’t really want it to. I don’t want to give up and move back in with my mother. I don’t want to lose the one person who genuinely cares about me. I don’t want to continue to wallow in my own self pity.
I was told that it was supposed to get easier but every step I take just seems to get so much heavier. I’m so tired. Physically, and mentally exhausted. I deal with so many people that I like and dislike on a daily basis, and part of my job is dealing with those problems. I’ve had so many fleeting thoughts of just walking out and completely forgetting everything. Completely giving up on living life the way it was presented to me. But, I don’t know how I’d make it. I have medical problems that need to be addressed, and I need a job to afford benefits or one that provides them. I don’t qualify for government assistance (not that it matters anymore), I feel like such a child sometimes. Other times I just feel like I’m drowning. I can’t count the number of times I’ve just wanted to give in to the fleeting thoughts of letting go of everything. That said, I’ve decided to come here, to share this stuff with you. Maybe you understand, maybe you have something to say. Maybe you don’t care. Frankly, I don’t. I just need to get these thoughts out of my head before they kill me.
I just want people to understand how hard it is for me to make simple decisions. How it makes me panic when I have to decide whether or not I want to talk to someone. I thought that starting a new medication would help, but I won’t see the results for that for another few days. I don’t feel much better but it’s only day two. I’m so scared, and I don’t know why. I just want to live my life.
A funny thought. I’m a huge fan of Markiplier, and I always loved watching his videos. I’ve been a fan of his since the beginning. For a while, he seemed to be almost a friend that I never got to talk to. Now…he’s so far above me that I’m almost…jealous. He exudes this confidence that I only wish I had. I’d love to do what he does and see that support and be able to support others the same way. But I can’t. Why? There are so many others who are trying right now. So many others clamoring to get to where he is now. You know…his words used to make me feel happy. They used to help, and make me determined to start a channel on youtube. I never have, and I’m beginning to think I never will. I don’t have the face, or the personality. I’m too broken. My writing also reflects this. It’s so difficult for me to get my thoughts onto a page that I haven’t even tried. I have a story just sitting on my computer…still on the first few pages. Still the first draft.
Why do I have to try so hard to make everything work when things are just going to crumble around me? What am I doing wrong? Why am I so determined to break away from all of this? I really don’t know. I just want things to work for once, but everything I touch eventually breaks.
Maybe putting this out for the world to see isn’t a good idea. Maybe I just want validation, or attention. I don’t know that either. I just…really need to say this to someone. Someone that might understand. Is this a call for help? Maybe.
I just. Don’t. Know.